An Explanation -or- You Probably Think This Post Is About You

FOREWARD: If you want the full experience you have to click links and listen to music and pay attention to lyrics and read and shit like that.

If you don't wanna do any of that...byeeeeeeeeeeeee

If you do, HI!. Welcome to me.
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Intro theme song for this:

One of my facebook posts from last weekend:

I have so many things to say and it hurts to not really be able to

The replies and comments:

• Are you ok? *
• Here, try this [insert self-care advice and/or creative outlets]
• Start blogging again!
• We're here for you.
• Call me if you need to talk.

....and then the family gossip that my mom told me about. 

Because they check in with her instead of talking with me about it directly, but that’s another story for another time. **

Let’s be real - do you think that I’m the type of person to put out a call for serious help on fucking facebook? I know how to use a goddamn phone AND how to reach you in case of any sort of real emergency.

I’ve vented there, yes.

I’ve looked for attention there, yes. 
Isn't that what it's there for? The giving and receiving of attention.

I’ve somewhat opened up about certain feels there once or twice, sure. Who hasn't? There are a lot of us going through the same stuff and when we find each other relatable in low times it really is so comforting.

We’re all a bit hypersensitive and moody AF in these years, and I do appreciate you reaching out, those of you who did. You are the wind beneath my wings.

But SO MANY times, I’ve bottled up super hilarious quips and insanely ridiculous comments, too. Usually because having to explain it sucks the funny out and by then they’ve probably missed their moments, or it would take 20mins to explain and would only make sense to me anyway.

It’s called a filter. Some of you have them, too.

Others don’t…you cheeky bastards.

Let me put it to you another way.

I read this article years ago about popcorn brain. Google it.

Go ahead – I’ll give you a minute…don't be lazy. Just do it.

So, after the last 20+years living the majority of my life online, when I’m in conversations with people out in the “meat world”, and especially after a few drinks, and with you all on my phone and so accessible due to the loveliest of all inventions: Social Media…I tend to pop off at the mouth occasionally when I can’t contain ALL the bottlenecked thoughts that are rattling around the old noggin.

When I popped off last Saturday, I was in a fiiiiiiiine place which was almost entirely full of face hurting laughter and running into interesting characters. I have witnesses.

I’ll end this with 3 things:

•        Because my ramblings tend to take more than anyone really wants to read on facebook***
•        Because some of you have been poking me about this for a while 
•        Because I know it’ll help me to have this outlet which, who fuckin’ knows, might also help some of you.

I’m rebooting/reigniting my blog.

*dammit, I really wish my name were Annie now

**except you Deb. Thank you. Was nice chatting with you. and I don't blame them, cuz Janet kinda really fuckin' rules.

***it makes for good toilet reading in the morning

Outro theme song for this:


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2013 Highlighting the Ups

Matthew and I were at dinner the other night talking & getting excited about what we want to do in 2014 and discussing how we thought 2013 went.
Apparently, I had my cranky pants on because I said it was an "OK" year and he said it was "pretty fuckin' awesome".
I've realized since then that unfortunately, and for some stupid reason, my noggin was choosing to highlight some of the more awkward 2013 moments instead of all the seriously amazing things that happened.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to write out the rundown of awesome (and skipping over all the not-so-awesome), not to be a douche braggart, but to further reinforce those in my head instead of those less than optimal and maybe it'll help you do the same. I've seen your facebook posts about how crappy the year was and/or how you're ready for 2013 to be over and it's ok if sometimes we need reminders to clear our perspectives.

January was again full of drunken shenanigans at the Scottish Highland Games.  I dove head first into renovating the Dollhouse of Horrors and started building out stage pieces for the Bloody Jug Band...some by request, others not so much. We also saw Charlie Murphy down at the Improv.

February was more Dollhouse of Horrors work and a trip to Helen, GA.  We also went to see Muse at Amway Center and I cried a little bit at how amazing their show was.

In March, we saw the Dropkick Murphys again, I puppeteered for the Bloody Jug Band's video for "Roadkill Boys".  This was also the month we did Whole30 for the first time and I submitted my last photo for the 12month long Inspired class I'd signed up for in January.
Yep...I totally fell out of it for the rest of the year because of shiny new things and being inspired elsewhere.  But I'm glad I went out with a bang.

April started with a trip to see The Marvelous Mehegans up in Corning, NY.  I took a banjo lesson, we finally ate at Cask & Larder and Ravenous Pig, saw Tony Bourdain at Hard Rock, and visited Disney. This is also when I started thinking about a miniatures.com contest entry.

May was, of course, insane with a Mother's Day pool party that got way more rowdy than what was intended, a concert poster design class on Skillshare, a couple of BJB shows, and was capped off by a trip to New Orleans, LA for my & Pannacakes' birthdays.

June included a Glassman show at Peacock that was pretty killer, a visit with Vaughn & Jen to pick up one of my favorite purchases of the year (Betty & Veronica pictured below), jury duty selections for George Zimmerman, and was also when I received my walking papers from the company I'd worked for over the previous 12 years.

July started off with new hair to celebrate my corporate departure, a crazy 3rd of July party at Pannacakes', followed by a rained out pool party at the Merriam's for the 4th, a Khal Drogo costume for Matthew, the 8th Annual Summer Bomb, a couple of visits to DRIP, and Marilyn Manson at Hard Rock.

August had a The Cult show at HOB, another couple of BJB shows, a trip to Busch Gardens followed by a viewing of Blackfish, a Danny Leggett show, Cedric's surprise birthday party, a drunk monologues shoot (shut up, I'll get to that later), and a trip to Ocala to see April and her fam.  Made a fake movie poster for a friend's birthday and finished up a painting for Cedric & Michelle's anniversary.

September we rocked our own logo for a Labor Day weekend pub crawl, went and saw Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes at Hard Rock and then went to see them again during the Gentlemen of the Road festival weekend where we also saw Mumford & Sons and stayed at a dumpy St. Aug beach hotel.  And we attended a lovely DIY wedding.

In October we went to see Terribly Odd's Haunted Mansion inspired show, Ghost at Amway Center where they shook my pants and hair, I made a mermaid costume, had the best weekend at Spooky Empire where I finally met Tom Savini, hugged Bill Moseley & Ve Neill, told Glenn Hetrick that I'd be his huckleberry, fingered Kane Hodder's left gloved hand during a photobomb, and sang "Goodbye Horses" to Jason Mewes. We finished off October in Austin, TX to celebrate my & Matthew's wedding anniversary and dress up like the 11th Doctor and a Reptilian Shapeshifter for Halloween, and met up with The Krutikovs for some kick ass high-end mexican food with the first best mescal drink I've ever put down my neck followed by the best burlesesque show I've ever seen.

November I made a sideshow freak light-up sign out of an old guitar case & built out two rickety crate shelves for the Jugly Art show at Peacock and then Matthew & I left to spend a week in Amsterdam for his birthday where I lost my passport.  If you ever lose your passport in another country...hope you're in Amsterdam.  They were so nice and the whole process was a lot smoother than expected. We also met some great & crazy party people and Matthew gave up a Heisenberg shirt to a loud Scotsman. We spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with Matt's family during which we had a lovely evening strolling through the botanical gardens looking at giant lit up Chihuly glass sculptures in awe.

And so here we are at the tail end of December and I've submitted my Evil Dead Cabin to the miniatures.com contest before deadline and am making a Gatsby-style dress for New Year's Eve. We had a crazy drunken Pannacakes party, and a silly family presents exchange day that included Cards Against Humanity and boxing robots. We spent Christmas in San Francisco where we saw Brian Setzer Orchestra on Christmas Eve, Matthew got his first proper straight razor shave, dim sum in Chinatown, lobster bisque & crab salad at Pier 39, and we ate some pretty awesome food at some pretty awesome hotel restaurants and had The Best gin & tonic either one of us had ever had and the second best mescal drink I've ever put down my neck.

And peppered in throughout the year we were bombarded with Harlem Shakes, BatDad Vines, Breaking Bad, Red Weddings, Doctor Who, A Fox That Says Things, Goat remixes, Miley Cyrus' tongue, Blurred Lines, Twerking, Grumpy Cat & Li'l Bub, and an Astronaut Singing Space Oddity on the freakin' Space Station.

This year, like all other's before it, has included lots of ups and downs and were it not for the downs...how would you know just how up the ups are?
Plus, you'd probably be an insufferable asshole.

Even if you're a generally positive person like me, and incredibly lucky with a shit ton of ups, there are times that the Veil of Crap can fall down over your eyes to muddy your vision.
I am SO grateful for how up my ups were this year and I appreciate having those downs when they came along....but there's No. Possible. Reason. a down should ever overshadow an up....so remember to not let them, ok?

Thank you, Matthew for reminding me of that & helping to remove my Crap Veil.
You're absolutely right....2013 was pretty fuckin' awesome.

Cheers, everyone, to 2014!!  May your ups be fuckin' killer and your downs be valuable lessons to overcome.

Sunday Confession - A Dissection of Emo

"...I certainly don’t want everyone just to admire it or approve of it without knowing why." - VanGogh on The Potato Eaters.

"Art with a story behind it is the best kind, silly." - Martha M.

I made this 36x24 piece of whatever a few years back after my family fell apart. I treated it as an outlet for all the pent up crap being dealt with during this particular time in my life.
I've never really explained any of it in detail or have been comfortable enough to, but I've often thought about sharing it & how to go about doing so.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Plus, looking back at it - my style has changed a little and this looks like a kid did it.
Reckon that might've been my frame of mind at the time. Or maybe my style is just kid-like.
Not that my shit recently is great, or even good...it's not about that. It's about putting it out there.*
What if I died tomorrow and my family goes through all my crap and looks at this and they go all, "what the fuck is this?" on it and never know what it meant to me?

Right then...here we go:

The dollhouse torn into 4 parts: That's a B&W photo on cheap paper of the dollhouse my father's father built when I was a kidlet. Grew up with that house and there was a time when it was given to another family while I bounced around between apartments and whatnot. The house was returned to me about 5 years ago (a strange precursor to what happened a year later). Each torn piece represents a member in my immediate family. The upper left being my brother, me on the upper right (which is how our rooms were set up in the house we grew up in), my mother on the bottom left, and father on the bottom right. There's a round oil can stain on my father's section because he was a mechanic and antique boat restorer. My mom's section has cuts in it cuz she's a self-admitted emotional force and it amazes me that with so many fractures and cracks, she hasn't completely snapped. My brother's section is on fire with the bigger flame because he was in a wreck 8 years ago. The car he was in slid off of the road and into a tree, bursting into flames, killing both him and his friend that was driving. My section has the smaller fire - my brother's catching part of mine on fire....the flames a bit of a high-five between us.
My & my mother's sections have snippets of this song lining the edges.

The edges of the house are torn but being held together by a frayed and strained red yarn. Red for blood, of course, because we're family....& meaning that not even blood can really keep a family together.
Not when built upon an unstable foundation.

The Unstable Foundation: This area has a bit of a complicated meaning for it being such a simple shape. The instability under the house being a mix of sand and acrylic paint. It stems from my father coming out to my mother and I about 4 years ago. Their divorce followed shortly after but the house we grew up in was finally split and sold just earlier this year. My father has gone through a few boyfriends since the initial "outage" and we rarely speak. Mostly because when we do, I can't handle the dumb shit he says. Like the time he told me that if my brother had lived, none of this would've happened. Which is the other meaning for that section, for the sweeping & winding escape into the night sky, and because snippets of this song line the edges of that section and I imagine those words coming from my brother/me:


The Moon & Stars: Metaconfession: I have, what some would call, Pagan tendencies. Though the generic category label on society's filing cabinet for Belief Systems would have me under Agnostic....aspects of Paganism make a lot of sense to me. Balance & cycles. The moon is a Goddess symbol. The full moon has always been hopeful & comforting to me and along with her in the night sky, I included raised silver stars for an Orion and a dipper (or saucepan, as Kim B. would call it). Reminders that there are still things that...remain...***

And that about wraps things up.
For now.
Hope it wasn't too awkward and you feel like maybe you know me a little better.
If you have any thoughts or feelings or experiences to share, please...feel free.
If you have any shitty/nit-picky/snarky comments to make, please....also feel free because I've probably been lookin' for a reason to punch you in the crotch anyway.

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*plus it's a nice lead into next weekend's confession
***(I was going to put another word or three there, but "remain" seemed to be enough).

2012 KM Photo Project #4

Yes, we know we're two months behind.  Shit happens.
The month of April was "Bad 90's Glamour Shots", so here we are in all our soft filtered glory.

Clearly, Martha's done this before.

I love the chin hands and head tilts.

Mine aren't nearly as good.  My lighting was all wrong & forgot to use a flash, but whatever.
Here we go.

The last one was just for fun.  I've never done Glamour Shots before and its been YEARS since I've done any weird portrait studio poses.  Totally forgot about the chinhands and crap.  All I could remember was the collar holds.

What Martha learned: "I learned that I need to keep more stupid hats and gaudy jewelry on hand.  And boas.  And I need to use Tom more for these projects; he's hilarious and oh so helpful behind the camera-phone.  Also I learned that hair-spraying a bang wave is the delorean time machine to my middle school years."

What I learned:  Doing 'big hair' is difficult when you have fine hair.  I've haven't used that much hairspray since back then.  Should've used the flash and had bigger jewelry on.  Also practicing poses beforehand might've helped.  Pay no attention to my nails in the first one.
Oh, great...now you'll go back and look.  I really had no clue how to do "90s makeup", so it just ended up being weird shades of what I normally wear thrown together and overdone.

GAWH!, I WISH I COULD DO BIG HAIR LIKE HER'S!!

Sometimes Ya Just Gotta Dance

Back in October, Matthew and I celebrated our 7 year itch.
I snatched up a groupon for Arthur Murray classes.

We finally started going when we came back from Hawaii.
The first class included simple box step (which is also the rumba.  hm, who knew!?), basic tango, hustle, swing steps, and one basic turn.
Then I bought these dancin' shoes I found on sale here.  They make me & my feet happy.

They had perfect timing and came in the day before our 2nd class, so when we got there & I put them on, one of the girls who works at the studio was all, "I love them!  Where'd you get'em?"
"....uh....online?"  It kinda threw me off that someone who does this for a living would be asking me where I got proshoes.

We got Brian to tell us his sinking boat story that I'd read here.
He made it sound like it was a sore subject but patted us on the back for reading profiles.
Then he taught us turns for the rumba & the waltz.  He's dreamy to dance with.
And apparently, I'm only to be instructed by young dudes named Brian.
Here's what Matthew looked like at the studio last week, while we were waiting for said Brian:

Matthew sweated through his white shirt.  I told him he should wear a "let's get physical" sweatband for the next class....WHICH IS TONIGHT!

I love our classes.

Sunday Confession - Internal Battle

I haven't been posting on here much recently.
My attentions and creative inspirations are currently focused elsewhere.
Getting ready for Christmas and trying to get the rest of the Craft It Forwards done before the year ends.
I just haven't had too much to say here.

I will admit that I'm in a constant internal battle with the things that I would really like to write here but haven't because it puts too much out there.
Things that would open me up & make me vulnerable.
Also, I think some of the ideas I've had for things to post kinda make me sound like an emo ass.

Here's an example:

A while back I posted a crappy photo of a piece that took me about 2 yrs to finish.
BBI & my friend, Martha, asked some questions about it and I was going to do a little diddy explaining the whole thing, but then realized that it was turning into somewhat of a therapy session.

How much of that type of shit do I really want to put out there?

I'm just not sure of how real to keep this or what you'd all care to hear.
Maybe I need to go back to just keeping up with this blog as something for myself instead of considering you turds all the time.

Most days it feels like no one's reading this anyway.
I mean, seriously.....The top 2 most hit Brainure posts are:

1. How To Make A Pillory (or Stockade)
2. For The Person Who Has Everything But Can't Breed

If that tells you anything.

So why do I blog?
Because I enjoy sharing things with you & hope that you also enjoy these little peeks into my noggin.
It makes me happy that I can bring my friends with me on vacations & crap via my phone, laptop, or ipad.  Its like you turds are with me all the time, no matter what part of the country/world we are.
Also, I figure when I'm a million years old, alone, and senile, I can look back on these with fond memories.

Blarf....I'm over-thinking again, aren't I?
I should just keep in mind the name of this thing and post everything that goes though my head with wreckless abandon.
Its not like I'll be running for president someday.

YouTubesday - Onision

Public Service Announcement.



Reminds me of my prom date (story for another time).

YouTubesday - swanoffinland

You love him.

EFFING SERIOUSLY

Who the fuck are these people showing up on the top left corner of my page??
I wish I had 3 fists to punch them in the face simultaneously for interrupting my junk.

What the fuck, Blogger.

No, really.
This is what I see:

WTF Day is it??

Oh yeah, Wednesday.

Whateverthehell.

Sorry, I haven't been on much lately, turds.

A friend of ours recently passed and subsequently, I've been in a slight funk.

Death sucks.

Especially when it happens to good people.

[INSERT TOPIC CHANGE]

Last week, Pannacakes messaged me and was like, "my niece put up a picture on facebook of her planking and I was like 'wtf?' and had to look up planking".

For those of you not familiar with planking.....you're welcome.

I'd told her to not feel bad, that Matt didn't know what planking was either, but when asked, he totally proved me wrong and colored me impressed.

He DID know what planking was.

When had this happened and why had we not been sharing this mutual appreciation??

Ignoring an answer to this question.....we practiced in the living room:

Snoop failed, but gave it great effort.

WhateverTheHell Wednesday

....or something....

Why is Wednesday being such a bitch for this daily crap thing I'm trying to do?

I had thought it could be a current event day but that seems kinda boring.

Y'all can read/watch the news for that shit.

We got a lot of funny camping footage from last weekend that I'm editing together. That'll probably take another week before it turns into anything though. Didn't realize we'd captured so much.

Being drunk with the camera has a tendency to do that.

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(...Later...)

And now, since going to lunch & brainstorming, I have a homework project to work on for tomorrow's crap.

So, please peruse this picture of my shadow puppet puppy that I plucked while peeing post-lunch earlier this quite perspiringly parching afternoon.

(That, my friends, is alliteration.)

I Have A Confession

I've been cheating on this blog with another blog.

It hasn't been put out "there" until now.

Click here to see why.

Its silly - just pictures of my feet in different places, cuz after looking through my photos, I discovered I had a lot of pictures of my feet in different places and they needed a place to go.

This month is my favorite month and I was inspired to do something a little different with it.

So, if you like it, enjoy.

If you don't, pretend I never said anything.

An Abomination

What the hell is THIS??!!
Can someone please explain to me why these appeared in our fridge after the Bomb??

Beverage Fail.

Fuckin' Hell

You ever have one of those days where everything around you is forcing you to be bi-polar?

Someone drives you completely insane with hurt......

Then the doorbell rings & its the maintenance dude checking in on a call you made the other night to fix the rain gutters out back so that your fucking house doesn't flood with all these heavy summer storms you've been getting.
So you hope that your outer self isn't exploding from what you were just experiencing moments before, and as you're talking to the maintenance dude about rain gutters, you start to feel a bit of relief because something's happening to fix a potential flooding issue that you worry a little more about every time it rains.
And then your doorbell rings immediately after that and its a damn good friend dropping by, with his sister you've never met, to pick up some damn good comic books and you talk for a bit about some damn fun stuff.


So, for the moment, you're contained.....and, for the moment, you've forgotten about what drove you insane with hurt just minutes ago.....


And then they leave.
And then it's quiet.
And then you start to remember again what drove you insane with hurt just moments ago.
And then you gotta remember to breathe.
And then you're like.....

What.
The.
Fuck.


Its one of those days.

Father's Day

Thinking of making a new father's day card line.
For those that aren't quite sure of what to say.

Here's what the one I sent to my father looked like.

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As a side note - I hope that all you dads....y'know, the cool ones.....I hope you're having a kick ass father's day.

Disgruntled Wonderful

Totally just had a bipolar experience when Matthew suddenly was on the phone with our cable company requesting a sports package - that I would be paying for.

Oh, he got The Look, fo'sho'.
You know the look.
The squinty-eyed, "what the fuck are you doing?" look.

And then, the new sports package I was now paying for blinked on and it was the New Zealand All Blacks game.
I love this man.Danny Carter - #10 for New Zealand.

The Look soon subsided into a dreamy gaze....

Matthew knows me. He knows that I'll be happy and that this will be the best $5/month I've ever spent.
And that's why I love That Man.

Overheard in the Building Bathrooms

While comfortably sitting there, doing my business, a girl walked in and stepped into the end stall.
I flushed.

Then I hear her say, "Yeah, Hi, someone just called my phone...." and I hear the voice on the other end say (and yes, it was that loud), "I think it was just a wrong number." Then the girl in the stall says, "That's fine....no problem...." and hangs up.
Then says.....

"...Ignorant."

Then she flushes.

Philadelphia Freedom

Brian (my trainer) and Matt are terrorizing poor Snoop (whatever, he loves the attention) and singing Elton John.

Playing with Face (again)

As if I had nothing else to play with.
Just thought this setting made a cool eye color.

Best Elevator Ride Ever

So Matt and I were in Daytona this weekend celebrating our friend, Martha's, 30th.
We were staying at the Hilton right there on what's left of the pier and had a lovely time. Saturday was full of sweet tea vodka, beer, cherry vodka, red meat & seafood, great friends, lots of laughter, and lots of wind.
Sunday, we woke up and had breakfast with those that stayed the night, then we all went our separate ways to check out, and a few of us stayed to hang out on the beach.
Matt & I took our sweet time packing up our crap and, from our room, could see some of our friends down on the beach picking their spot & setting up camp.
Since it was still windy, I really wanted to hit one of the beach shops close by to grab a kite & a sweatshirt (it was a bit chilly on my bare shoulders).
We left the room, walked down the hall, and hopped on the elevator down to the lobby.
We'd been on the 15th floor and the elevator stopped on the 9th to let some people on.
A family of 4 joined us and they were wearing shirts that had Martin Luther King, Jr's face with "I have a dream" and Obama's face printed on them.
This family also happened to be black, (what??) if their t-shirt choice wasn't a clue.
As soon as they boarded, my phone began to ring.
For those of you who don't know, this is my current ringtone (recorded while watching the movie CB4 on one of the movie channels a few months ago).
It slowly got louder as I reached for it in my pocket and then looked to see who was calling. A wave of awkwardness washed over the 4x6 space we were jammed in.
I smiled and answered the phone, while looking at the airbrushed faces of Martin Luther King Jr. & Barack Obama.

Matt & I laughed all the way to the store where I bought a kite & a purple sweatshirt that says, "Spring Break, Daytona Beach".
Sadly, the store didn't have any MLK/Obama shirts.