An Explanation -or- You Probably Think This Post Is About You

FOREWARD: If you want the full experience you have to click links and listen to music and pay attention to lyrics and read and shit like that.

If you don't wanna do any of that...byeeeeeeeeeeeee

If you do, HI!. Welcome to me.
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Intro theme song for this:

One of my facebook posts from last weekend:

I have so many things to say and it hurts to not really be able to

The replies and comments:

• Are you ok? *
• Here, try this [insert self-care advice and/or creative outlets]
• Start blogging again!
• We're here for you.
• Call me if you need to talk.

....and then the family gossip that my mom told me about. 

Because they check in with her instead of talking with me about it directly, but that’s another story for another time. **

Let’s be real - do you think that I’m the type of person to put out a call for serious help on fucking facebook? I know how to use a goddamn phone AND how to reach you in case of any sort of real emergency.

I’ve vented there, yes.

I’ve looked for attention there, yes. 
Isn't that what it's there for? The giving and receiving of attention.

I’ve somewhat opened up about certain feels there once or twice, sure. Who hasn't? There are a lot of us going through the same stuff and when we find each other relatable in low times it really is so comforting.

We’re all a bit hypersensitive and moody AF in these years, and I do appreciate you reaching out, those of you who did. You are the wind beneath my wings.

But SO MANY times, I’ve bottled up super hilarious quips and insanely ridiculous comments, too. Usually because having to explain it sucks the funny out and by then they’ve probably missed their moments, or it would take 20mins to explain and would only make sense to me anyway.

It’s called a filter. Some of you have them, too.

Others don’t…you cheeky bastards.

Let me put it to you another way.

I read this article years ago about popcorn brain. Google it.

Go ahead – I’ll give you a minute…don't be lazy. Just do it.

So, after the last 20+years living the majority of my life online, when I’m in conversations with people out in the “meat world”, and especially after a few drinks, and with you all on my phone and so accessible due to the loveliest of all inventions: Social Media…I tend to pop off at the mouth occasionally when I can’t contain ALL the bottlenecked thoughts that are rattling around the old noggin.

When I popped off last Saturday, I was in a fiiiiiiiine place which was almost entirely full of face hurting laughter and running into interesting characters. I have witnesses.

I’ll end this with 3 things:

•        Because my ramblings tend to take more than anyone really wants to read on facebook***
•        Because some of you have been poking me about this for a while 
•        Because I know it’ll help me to have this outlet which, who fuckin’ knows, might also help some of you.

I’m rebooting/reigniting my blog.

*dammit, I really wish my name were Annie now

**except you Deb. Thank you. Was nice chatting with you. and I don't blame them, cuz Janet kinda really fuckin' rules.

***it makes for good toilet reading in the morning

Outro theme song for this:


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The Argument Against The Washington Racial Slurs Football Team

We've been discussing this with people recently....and I have more information to share but figure that this was one of those things that I wanted to share with everyone...not just those few individuals.  It's a pretty hot topic after that one episode of the Daily Show and with some of the ads you may or may not have seen.





And some of you know that I'm in a Native American Humanities class where we've been discussing and reading about this over the past few months.  Matthew posted something on the book of face at the beginning of the football season that got a bit of back and forth commenting, but I feel like it needs a little more attention.

red·skin  n.
usually offensive.
-American Indian
-the word 'redskin' is offensive and should be avoided

From wikipedia: In a 2014 interview after the Trademark decision, Amanda Blackhorse the lead petitioner expressed her opinion: "The name itself actually dates back [to] the time when the Native American population was being exterminated, and bounty hunters were hired to kill Native American people... So, in order to show that they made their kill, they had to bring back a scalp or their skin."

From "Just Good Sports" by Suzan Shown Harjo: "The most derogatory name for Native Peoples in the English language is 'redskins'. The term has its origins in the late 1600s, when Europeans introduced commercial bounty-hunting in North America. they first paid fur trappers and other mercenaries for the heads and whole bodies of Native men, women, and children. When that practice proved too cumbersome, bounty-payers accepted the bloody red skins and scalps as proof of 'Indian kill'. From that time and into the 1900s, 'redskins' was the term that was used in newspapers and books when writers wanted to convey the worst impression of Native Peoples. In Hollywood westerns, the term was usually preceded by such adjectives as 'dirty', 'lazy', 'no good' and 'theiving'. The term is despised by most Native Peoples and is seldom used in polite society now, except as a 'Native' sports reference."

So there's all of that.
And with that, I understand that some people are slanting the conversation by thinking that the term is somehow "honoring" the Native American culture.
But please....explain to me how it's supposed to be an honor to remind someone of that term's origin?

There are these defenses:
    "But there are the Celtics and the Vikings....and they aren't all pissed off about logos...."
When was the last time you saw a Celtic or a Viking?

And aren't Irish people kinda done with being likened to leprechauns?
If they aren't, you know why that is?
Because they were white dudes coming up with ideas for a team name and logo.  It was self-appointed.
Because teams like "the fighting Irish" don't mind having a little angry drunk leprechaun as their logo.
And because teams like the "Patriots" don't mind having a brooding white dude as their logo.

"But what about the Buccaneers or the pirates on the Raiders logo?"  Stop.
Those are occupations.
That don't exist anymore.

"The Seminoles signed off on using 'Chief' Osceola as a mascot."
1. The Seminoles have a lot of casino money pumping into the state of Florida.
2. When they signed off on it, they were able to keep more of their casino money instead of getting into a lawsuit.
3. Osceola was never a chief and the "mascot" is a white dude in red face.

Not any less offensive. Just sold.

If you're a team that's completely making up a Native American character or changing who an actual person was in history...how is that honoring anything?

And what the fuck is this about?

Do you think there would ever be a team that would even consider making a banner that said, "Hey Jews, you stink! Head for the showers!!" or "Let's hang those Negroes high!"
Ugh...that's just awful.  Seriously, even just typing that out, I hurt my own feelings and all I can visualize in my head is a bunch of twat cheerleaders standing around all Mean Girls style coming up with that horrible shite above.
I graduated from Apopka and the worst of our banners was just "Pioneers can suck a fatty!!"
I still don't really know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Exactly what kind of "fatty" are we talking about here?

"But Dan Snyder started Original Americans Foundation and is giving back to certain tribal communities."....
1. OAF is a dumb name.
     oaf.  n.
          -a clumsy, stupid person; a lout.
-AND-
2. Good.  He should be.

Do I think the Washington football team should change their name?
It's probably not a bad idea and is likely to happen in the near future, but ultimately, I don't care too much because I'm not a fan, I don't buy their merchandise, and am falling out of love (if there ever was any) with the NFL as a whole anyway.
Plus, they suck.

GO BUCS!!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday, November 16, 1:00 PM

FedEx Field, Landover, Maryland

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-8)

27 - 7

Final

Washington Redskins (3-7)

You Can't Spell "Theatre" Without "The"

When Matthew & I were first starting out, he'd come over to my apartment & was checking out my dvd collection and pointed at the musicals stash and said, "What's that about? Were you in those or something?"

It's funny how much I've been thinking about that question recently.  Dammit, he's so good at that and he doesn't even MEAN to be.

In, maybe 3rd grade?, we read a play and I loved everything about it, the way it was formatted, that it took multiple people to read it out loud....etc.  So, I wrote my own starring the Christmas tree and my brother.  The tree spoke with flickering lights I'd blink on and off while doing voice over from underneath it while my brother played his part standing next to the tree.  If you ask her, my mother will not remember this happening.

We did some plays and puppet shows in church, but during high school, I missed out on any sort of drama club because it was either unavailable or I was already working and didn't have time for extra-curricular activities.
Luckily, that's the only thing I'd ever really say, "If I had to do it over again..." for.
Apopka High School did two productions while I was there, Our Town (yes, I cried) and Show Boat which had the most impressive stage boat set I'd ever seen.  That fucker was two stories and REVOLVED in 2 separate pieces so the outside of the boat was one set and the inside of it another.

My grandparents owned a music store when we were growing up and were into musicals, so The Music Man and The Sound of Music were annual staples and I was obsessed with one of my grandmother's music boxes that had a couple dancing while a Phantom of The Opera song played.
Maybe it's a genetic thing that I'm a musicals fan.  My favorite is when someone says they "hate muscials" but can then sing along to most songs in the movie versions.
Like my mom says that she hates musicals (...or just most things...) but then knows all the songs from Fiddler On The Roof, or Porgy and Bess, or 7 Brides For 7 Brothers.

Rent and Ragtime are probably my two freakin' favorites and Chicago would be the show I'd almost certainly die to be in.
Perhaps in another life.

Last week, I teased a little about being over at Mad Cow.

About a month ago and after a few weeks of bugging the Production Manager, and email bombing the overhire program alias, I received a reply asking if I'd be interested in being a Stage Manager for some upcoming shows. (there were a lot of strange high pitched happy noises that followed simply due to receiving a reply)  My response to them included the fact that I'd be starting out completely green and that it would be better for me to jump into an Assistant Stage Manager position first so I could eat everyone's brains and gain their knowledge.
After doing some homework, what I liked about this was that it paralleled my old gig as a Sales Associate/Inside Sales Support but instead of a District Manager, I now have a director.  Instead of a sales team, there's a cast of actors.  Instead of the operations team, there are the production teams.  There was a slight sense of familiarity making it not completely feel like I'd be a mermaid out of water.
So, for the past couple of weeks, I've been playing the role of Assistant Stage Manager for Tennessee Williams' "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".

As soon as I found out which show I'd be working, it was time for more homework.
First, was a viewing of the Liz Taylor/Paul Newman/Burl Ives 1958 movie version.
Then I found out that Tennessee Williams hated that flick, so I went over to YouTube and found a Jessica Lange/Tommy Lee Jones/Rip Torn 1984 PBS version...which was pretty stinkin' great.
The father/son relationships and struggles being a strong and common theme, I told Matthew that his freakin' family was ripe for a Tennessee Williams play. If Mick is reading this, I'm sure he'd agree.
My next round of homework is more research on Tennessee Williams and to read a book one of our actors wrote.

Will keep you guys posted as we go.

The show opens Friday 3/21 and runs until Sunday 4/20.

KAREN:     If you need me...I'll just be...uh....down at The Theatre.
(...cue strange high pitched happy noises.)

CURTAIN

A Return of Sorts

Lots of you guys already know this, and to quote a phrase my old boss used to say about past work experiences, "In a previous life...."
I worked at Walt Disney World.

I was there for about 4 years starting the summer before my senior year of high school.  Hired in to be a cast member for Magic Kingdom attractions/entertainment (which ended up being more of a food service with a show, but I'll get to that later) at The Diamond Horseshoe Saloon Review & Medicine Show.
It's closed now - probably being used as storage or a character meet & greet space (just like the Animation Studio at "Hollywood Studios" is a cold empty husk of the magic it once held).
While it was open, we served cold sammiches and chips and ice cream and sodas while a stage show with magicians, singing cowboys, and can-can girls performed.
It was an entertaining food service attraction.
We dared to blur the line between departments.
Because of this, I was able to cross-train at a few other close by attractions like Haunted Mansion, which was the best because it was the only place you could give your face a rest from all that smiling and being nice to people.
(...hello, Jesse. consider this a virtual hug.)

(awkward pic pose)

2 years later, I moved over to Typhoon Lagoon to be a lifeguard.  But not one of those cool lifeguards like those that got to dive the shark reef for most of the day or like the guys standing above the wave pool.  I was a shallow water guard.  Which meant watching people float down a lazyass river, telling kids not to climb rocks, ster-bac bluing the snorkel gear, and tube stacking.
Before we were even allowed to stand poolside with our whistles, there was, of course, a certification class where were taught CPR and other life-saving techniques in the deep end of a pool at a YMCA.  An older gentlemen in our class ended up having a heart attack in the pool during a session and we had to do a real life emergency rescue....

Anyway, during this lifeguarding phase, I was also taking classes over at Valencia 3 days a week and working 12-14hr days. Sometimes picking up event shifts that had me clocked in from 6a.m. to 3 or 4a.m.
Make no mistake, lifeguards party just as hard as they work and I had some of the best drunken nights of my life that I probably shouldn't remember.
(...Neil?? I think you're the only one from back then who may or may not read this. HI!! ...also, luckily for us, I can't find any pictures at the moment.)

The park would close for two months in the Florida "winter" for renovations & maintenance and would send its cast members to the other parks and resorts on property. I was sent into retail at a gift shop at the then-named Disney Institute (now called Saratoga Springs) which was the most boring gig but gave me an awesome opportunity to do a claymation short film as a part of the resort's "area awareness" training.
The resort used to run 2hr workshops that people could take in gardening, animation & claymation, and a few random other things....photography was in there, I think.  Apparently, people don't want to learn on vacation because it doesn't appear they do that stuff anymore.
That day in the claymation shop, we were broken off into 4 groups of 3 or 4 and my group was inspired by Bambi Meets Godzilla (below) so we did a similar little ditty but instead it was a pink poodle floating down a river on a raft and it gets eaten by a purple tentacled monster from below.
It took us 2hrs to complete a 12 second clip.  Will do some digging to see if it's hidden in a box in a closet somewhere.

When Typhoon reopened, I went back to lifeguarding before itching to get back to the entertainment side of things and auditioned to be in....no...wait....to be A Friend Of the Disney Characters and ended up being great friends with Rafiki, Pluto, & Eeyore over at Camp Minnie Mickey (recently closed) at the Animal Kingdom (...hello, Bambi, Michelle, Jen, & whoever else may be lurking....HUGS!!) just after its Grand Opening.
(Had some pretty fuckin' awesome drunken nights while I was here, too.  *daydreamy sigh*)
(bleh....some not so awesome, too)

And then I tried to swing into being a Puppeteer for the Lion King Show (recently closed) over at Disney's Animal Kingdom but got caught up in a stupid union thing that fucked over my chance. Pissed off (mostly with myself), I picked up odd shifts here and there, becoming friends with Brer Fox, Mr. Smee, and Wendell the Country Bear over at other parks & resorts and then left to become a photographer at Animal Kingdom (3rd party), which was still kinda fun because then I was taking pictures of all my friends who were Friends of Disney Characters, but really kinda sucked because we were doing the same framing, seeing the same character poses...for hours, for days, for months.  And with a shitty manager.
I got burnt out.  Fast.

Completely disenchanted & struggling, I left theme parks/entertainment/hospitality all together to go swimming in the tech pool for about 14 years.

And, so here we are.  15 years later and I've returned to entertainment.
In the form of Mad Cow Theatre.
Which, unbeknownst to most of you, has been a goal of mine for the past year+ and is on my list of things to accomplish for 2014.
I seriously couldn't be happier or more excited at present and will share more details next week!!

ARGH - CLIFFHANGER!!

Jamaican Me Cray

At the beginning of the year, Matthew asked me where we should go for the next three day weekend.
Around the same time, Mom requested to be invited to the next trip out of the country so she could get a passport stamp.

As Matthew's luck would have it, the next three day weekend and next trip out of the country happened to fall on Valentine's Day Weekend.
Pretty sure this is how sitcoms get written.

Also, remember that one time I lost my passport in Amsterdam?....well, this trip put me under the gun to get my emergency issued temporary passport renewed in time for our 2/14 departure.  Of course, being me, I'd put it off thinking it didn't expire until the end of February.....so imagine the look on my face when, on 1/27, I finally looked at my temporary passport and noticed the 2/14 expiration date.  By about noon, I'd had all my paperwork filled out and new picture taken and everything off to be overnighted to a Philly address on a hope and a prayer.  The paperwork all said that the expedited process would take 2-3 weeks. It showed up in my mailbox a week later.
The sense of relief that washed over me as I opened the envelope that day was indeed a glorious one.

The idea of Matt going alone with my mother for a long weekend in what ended up being Negril, Jamaica provided about an hour's worth of jokes and laughter with Pannacakes.  Good thing I didn't tell her about it until after the passport arrived.

Before we'd booked the trip, I'd done some research on Jamaica vs DR and knew we'd be good for an all-inclusive. Most of the articles found pointed towards Jamaica and then after reading some resort reviews, we determined that Negril was the place to go and the RIU Tropical Palace was the place to stay (mainly because it wasn't already sold out).

The trip looked a little like this:


We got some nice sunburns.
We drank a lot of rum, pina coladas, mimosas, Red Stripes.
We ate some really nice curries and jerks. (heh)
We met some really nice people.
We steered clear of some slightly questionable things and we didn't drink the water.

Jamaica was fantastic and I wouldn't be upset if we had to go back.
With more friends.
Mom's invited again, too, although she was makin' some noise about Costa Rica for Christmas.

Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

So I changed the colors and fonts.  New year, new look.
I also cut my hair off and haven't updated any of my profile pics yet.
I've been stockpiling things to talk about so things seem more interesting.
That's half of the truth.  The other half is that I've been writing more.  In a book. With a pen.
But in that book that I'm writing in with a pen....I stated my 2014 goals and blogging weekly was one of them.
It's only mid-February. It's still early enough in the year.

Admittedly, I've been slacking here due to overthinking.
What day should we stick with? Should it even be an assigned day? What to write about? Should it be a recap? If not, what kinds of things should it focus on? Should it focus? Can I focus?
Until I get overwhelmed and don't know where to start anymore....

Like I just did now when I went to facebook to reply to a message.
So many people doing so many awesomely great things....who the eff cares about my thing when there's SO much awesome out there?
Then I feel small and insignificant.  And then I remember that we're all small and insignificant.
So, then I'm stricken with inspiration and I'm like, "FUCK YEAH, THERE'S SO MUCH AWESOME, I WANNA CONTRIBUTE TO IT, TOO!!"
But then, when I do....I feel like my contributions suck and there's no way it could ever be as awesome as the awesome that's already out there.
But then, I think, if I don't keep contributing to the awesome, how will it ever be even close to meeting the potential of someday being awesome?

And really - the best way to tackle all of this chatter in my stupid noggin is to
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO WORK.

There's nothing to show for overthinking things.

The important thing is to start.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.
And what better time to start than now?

See you next week!! :)

What I've Learned From The Summer of Karen

So I've been unemployed since July.
Most popular question I've been asked is "How's the Summer of Karen going?" followed up by "What are you doing with all of your time?"
Answers range from "Great" to "Anything I fuckin' want!!"
I think most recently, when Clint asked how it was going, my response was a giant all-teeth grin with a thumbs up.

Here are the top 10 things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. It's so easy to forget what day it is. You know how they have those day of the week floor mats in the elevators on cruise ships that change from day to day like the day of the week underpants? We need those. Or underpants. Thanks, Willie, for usually hitting me up on Hoops Day to remind me of where we are in the week.

2. I thought I'd be able to keep up with the cleaning more. It works when Matthew's on work trips. Not so much when he's home. But the fact remains; it's still my least favorite thing to do.

3. Resume writing and going through career services is an 8hr gig in and of itself.  And it usually makes me cranky. Selling myself & talking me up is weird. But I've learned that I'm professionally & soberly introverted but socially & drunkenly extroverted. Maybe I just need to write my resume while intoxicated with friends. It would be easier that way and would give me a good starting point to go back and clean up while sober.

4. Schedules and deadlines.  One of the first things I did was give myself a chore chart (I think that's ultimately my mother's fault. We knew it was summer when the mega weekly chore charts came out). I stick to it most weeks. I need to do up a schedule and deadlines for my Creative Department & Career Services areas. Not so good at those aspects. Plus, video games sneak in there unscheduled. Then there's the random pop-ups playing taxi, lunch dates, webinars, happy hours, etc that I just can't help. Those random pop-ups have always made sticking to a schedule difficult for me.
If I could turn what I want to accomplish in a day/week/month/year into an infographic....I bet that would help me focus on schedules and deadlines. I like charts and graphs.
I feel an experiment coming on.

5. Sleeping in is impossible. I feel obligated to wake up with Matthew and help with breakfast & coffee. Plus, the lawn maintenance dudes get going early every Thursday, and the trash guys every Tuesday and Friday, and Snoop's usually paw-patting my face or lickin' my nose because he's hungry. I can count on one hand how many late nights during the week I've had, so it really doesn't matter about sleeping in. That's what afternoon naps are for and those are heavenly.

6. If you have a Summer list of outside things to do - put that shit off 'til the weather gets cooler. I'd intended to clean up porches & decks and all kinds of outside projects, but between the heat and the flooding rains....fuck that noise.

7. Everyone thinks you're doing nothing with your time, so when they ask, ramble off all the things you are doing in one big long run-on sentence that makes them feel tired by the time you've hit the end of the list and are taking a breath.

8. There is almost nothing to bitch about anymore.  I think the only things I complain about are how many times in a week I have to vacuum or clean out the cats' shit box.  So, I go to Facebook just to see what you guys are bitching about. And to make sure I'm not missing any important Miley Cyrus***/gun control/national debt news.

9. My dream job would be to be paid to travel around the world and document adventures between my favorite video game releases while watching youtube videos or creating them based on whatever random thing I'm building at the moment. And they'd reimburse my banjo lesson...no banjo CAMP tuition.  But now, thanks to Obama-care.....

10. The other night, I had a dream that I was in some big ol' Hogwarts lookin' school and was walking down a library corridor. It was dark with the smell* of musty books and we (there are always other people with me) were looking for ghosts. Suddenly, appearing in front of me was a porcelain doll faced girl, with her hair up & spiked out, all geisha-esque.....but she had the body of some fucked up caterpillar.** I reached out a hand toward her and was all "she ain't real..." and then that bitch bit the side of my hand with jagged little scary teeth. I jerked my hand away real quick....
Meanwhile, in real-life, while sleeping in our comfy bed, when I jerked my hand away from the caterpillar geisha ghost in my dream, I ended up accidentally swattin' Matthew in the balls.
This isn't really something I've learned....I just like giving treats to you at the end.
_____________________________
*I'm lyin' here. I can't smell things in dreams.
**From playing so much Saints Row 4 near the rifts, I'm positive.
***Have we established yet that she's only got the one photo pose??

Advice To Young Bloggers

My friend's daughter, Nae, has recently been makin' some noise about blogging and was looking for recommendations for sites to start her own.
It got me thinkin' about what I'd pass along, or maybe, what I wish I'd heard those several years* ago when I first started putting my stupid voice out there.

Here are some helpful-ish tips:

1. Don't write for other people. They won't read your shit anyway. And I do mean that in the nicest way possible. They just won't. Until one day when you think no one reads it and then someone mentions to you at a party that they've been reading it. And that when they do, it's usually during a morning constitutional. But hey, they're reading it, right? Score!!
There have been a few other times people have owned up to reading my shit -looking forward to it even- and it's a funny feeling. I love you, you fucking creepers. ;)

2. Write for yourself. If you have something heavy on your mind - get that shit OUT!! Right then - write it down on something to type up later, get the mobile app....whatever...just write it down. Get those brilliant thoughts outta your head. It's actually better for your noggin health. Plus, you don't wanna let a brilliant strike slip away only to have a creative block later. I've found that while traveling or in places where I don't have a good connection, actual writing with pen & paper is best. *GASP* I knoooooow!! Who'da thunk?
The other awesome reason to write for yourself, and the reason I write for myself, is so when you're older than you ever thought was possible and your mind has left town, you have some entertaining shit to read or have read to you. Little time capsules & slivers of yourself to look back on or pass through the family. Same reason applies as to why I make the dumb videos I make.

3. Don't censor yourself or be afraid to offend people. Because fuck them.  See #2. (heh...#2)

4. Proofread a shit ton of times before you publish it.  Most of the time you'll come off sounding like an idiot anyway (especially if you're like me and write in a conscious thought stream that includes slang) - typos and easy grammatical errors will only compound that & cancel out any cool points you may have earned in topic.
Plus, simple errors just get on my nerves (ask Matthew) and I'd like it if more people took the time to proofread their shit.

5. Hemmingway said, "Write drunk; Edit sober."

6. If you're stumped and don't know what to write about, reviews and How-To's are always easy go-tos. Music, movies, books, events, travel, cooking, etc. (obviously, I've had no idea what to write about over the past few years.) Even old diary/journal entries are good references in times of blockage.

7. Never ever think anything is going to go viral. I stress this one here, but this goes for anything being shared via social media. "Viral" doesn't work that way. You can't set out one day thinking you're going to make a Viral Something. If you do, you'll only be disappointed and I'll point and laugh and say, "I told you so." If you end up making something that happens to go viral (see the difference there?), it will be a joyous occasion and we'll all be reading/watching it on loop and will help you celebrate.

8. As a follow-up to #3....Don't feel like you have a license to be an asshole to people. Don't make it sound like you're directing your commentary towards any one person. That's just mean. If there is anyone reading your shit, they'll probably think whatever you're saying is about them anyway, so just keep things in general terms. It's classier that way & you won't come off as just another trash talker.

9. Include pictures if you're wordy. How many times have you clicked a link and were assaulted by a giant screen of unbroken paragraphs and more words than you were able to scroll through? Did you read it all? No, you were too busy scrolling, looking for the end. Be nice to eyeballs and break it up into bite size chunks with pictures, lists (like this one), embedded vids, or just simply throw in some good paragraph breaks.

10. There's no number 10. I just wanted to see if you'd make it this far on the list. Here's a small reward if you've only scrolled to the ending because you let the amount of words intimidate you:

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*Yes, I actually have been blogging for "several years". I kept up with one on multiply.com for a couple years starting in 2004. multiply.com isn't around anymore as of May 2013. Go ahead, check. Then I did the myspace thing for a few years until I started spewing all over Blogger in 2008 with this slice of brilliance. And that's only the internet stuff. I've kept journals all my life, too!!

Me & Jesus

You haven't asked (no one ever does) what my thoughts are on Jesus.
The Man, the Myth, the Legend....

I grew up Methodist. Which usually meant, for me, sherbert soda punch, passing notes in the balcony, zany Pastor Bill after a Mr. Rogers-like Rev. Trembly, youth group scandals, getting in trouble while being the acolyte, puppet shows at nursing homes and schools, and killer acoustics in the outside hallway that had a wrought iron gate where I used to sing Madonna's "Like A Prayer".
I also learned how to play pool there.
My mom taught Sunday school when I was in middle school and gave us the low down on all the scary shit in Leviticus and how the disciples were brutally murdered.
Cuz that's how we roll.
There were buttons in the Grand Poobah's pulpit to control the lighting in the sanctuary.
The bell choir was amazing and my favorite at Christmas time.
Church was beautiful at Christmas time. All the candles and outdoor singing of Silent Night.
Potlucks and bazaars.
I remember one church bazaar where there was an entire table of books. I rummaged through and found a Frankenstein book. On one of the illustrations, someone had drawn a giant penis on Frankenstein.
I asked mom if I could have that book and it ended up coming home with us.
To this day, I swear it was an old book of Pannacake's & she'd been the penis drawer.
Seemed that my father was only in attendance for potlucks.  And maybe some of the church holidays. Otherwise he was left home while my brother and I were forced away from the tv and into stuffy uncomfortable clothes to go hang out with friends and old people for hours.

Youth group was fun. After the scandal, we'd had a few folks leading up the program. We went tubing down the Ichetucknee, and on a Blue Ridge Mountains camping trip that included horsebackin' and white water rafting. We went skiing in the Appalachians. We did car washes and BBQs and spaghetti dinners for fund raisers...
I was 14 and remember asking Zany Pastor Bill why we were supposed to take this story book called The Bible and see it as an historical account of the beginning of people.
"If it was just Adam & Eve, and Cain killed Abel, how was the earth populated? Cuz that's just  gross..."
"How do we go from death to rising from the dead without thinkin' zombies and has no one ever considered it may have just been grave robbers?"
I received a lecture in faith and belief.
Faith and belief were far greater than noticing & pointing out the obvious.

Shortly after my questioning of things, a married couple came in to lead up the youth group and gave us the whole "MTv is the devil and secular music is baaaaaaad..." song & dance.

Mentally, I'd rebelled and started liking darker music, but only after going through a Newsboys/Steven Taylor/Carmen phase. Hey, I'll try anything once.

As an adult, I don't attend church (seeing some of the politics and behind the scenes business aspect of churches while growing up can be thanked for that). I've always disliked organized religion & view it as a safe haven for those not practicing what they preach. Or for those who have no idea how to forgive themselves for mistakes they've made.

There's also an amazing amount of community assistance from churches - so, I'm aware that it's not all bad & my views are somewhat cynical.

On the whole, I find theology/spirituality to be an absolutely fascinating topic of discussion. It's mainly just the church thing that bugs me.

When I was a kid, I remember saying, "Jesus spoke outside. Why are we cooped up in these ridiculously expensive ornamental buildings?"

My first trip to NYC and into St. Patrick's and I was disgusted with the gift shop in the back of the sanctuary. Didn't Jesus drive out the money changers from the temple?

I do not believe Jesus is my savior. 

I do believe that he was a man. And more than likely a surfer, since he walked on water.
He was probably a great story-teller, a bit of a rabble rouser, and may or may not have been a shitty carpenter.

I believe that if most of you met him today, you'd think he was a damn dirty hippie & probably not give him a 2nd look.

I believe that I am solely responsible for my rights and wrongs & hold myself accountable for keeping them balanced and in check.

And I believe that the majority of us are good people just trying to do the best we can, the best we know how.

That One Time I Was In The Jury Pool For The Zimmerman Trial Pt. 2

Here's what I wrote on days 2, 3, & 4 of my jury selection pool stint.
I also did a lot of reading.

6.13.13
Jury Pool room again. At the end of the first day, the judge & lawyers came back in and told some of us that we were excused and the rest had to come in on Thursday. I don't feel like I'll get picked for this. Everyone is excited for me and a few have mentioned getting book deals out of it. I think they're getting a little ahead of themselves. There are some folks in here from Tuesday. Guess where they're sitting? Yep, same spots. The Talkative Pair are back at it. There's a fella behind me that has a boisterous voice and another they referred to as "Chicken Man". I moved to a comfy corner but the sun is shining through the blinds and glaring my ipad. The Talkative Pair are eerily quiet this a.m. I wonder if they ran out of things to talk about. Kinda nice. Will probably change later in the day.
Probably about 100 people in here today and they took about 11 folks up 20mins ago. They were E people. Matt told me they were live streaming the jury selection. So now it makes more sense why I saw comments and juror #s mentioned in an article I read on Monday.
There's an annoying kid who talks too much cuz he thinks he's funny. I'd give him a funny ratio of 1:5. He said one thing that I laughed at for the 5 jokes me made that he laughed at. He's a 1st timer, too. A few in here. Oh! The judge, last night, said, "ORIENTATED". FL's finest. I also just heard, "I like movies. I watch them all the time." Oh, really? You don't say?

6.14.13
They dismissed us yesterday shortly after we came back from lunch. And so here I sit again on my own. Been such a weird week, but in a good way.
They wheeled some older gent (I believe he was in the E group) off on a stretcher. Paramedics had him in the refreshments room. I didn't even see when I came in. He went out red-faced and smiling so at least he's OK. They were making "way to get out of jury duty" jokes and something about blaming it on the coffee machine. The groups they just took, 2 groups of 12, were mostly women. I think one or 2 gents in each. There are about 30 folks left in here now. Most of the annoying people are gone. No Talkative Pair, no Kid Who Thinks He's Funny, no Sleeping Mouth Breathing Teen. It's very quiet in here today. The Chicken Man is here but not his radio voiced buddy. The older black gent that came in on Tuesday in a fly ass suit is looking more casual today.
The sun is shining through the window and blinds and casting a shadow that looks like a cross. I bet that's on purpose. As soon as I wrote that, a cloud made the cross shadow disappear.
And now it's back.

6.17.13

4th day in this room.

They got pretty clandestine on Friday. Taking us down long hallways and up/down elevators and dodging common areas. We went into the courtroom & they checked us out again and told us to come back on Monday. Friday was a freakin' short day. We were in and out in 2hrs. Today's been more waiting. There are about 40 people in here. One jury got picked for a different trial going on and they dismissed everyone else. I still don't think I'll get picked. Doesn't feel like it. Feels like we're the emergency backup crew in case the people they've chosen fuck it up. My handwriting is weird today. Keeps changing sizes.

More people were just dismissed.

I'm still here.

It's gotten cold in here with no bodies to radiate heat.

The deputies were just arguing about who was going to make coffee in the morning. Cute. Now they're weighing the differences between men & women.

Long day to be waiting with no sign of anything.

Got a lot of reading done.

-------------------------------------

And that was it.

The following couple of days, I was instructed to be on 'standby' and call every evening after 6pm for instructions. Those instructions excused me on the 2nd day of standby.

So, I thought I'd share my oh-so-riveting experience of how I almost got picked for a high profile local trial.

The End.

That One Time I Was In The Jury Pool For The Zimmerman Trial Pt. 1

Last night, the courthouse voice mail told me that I was excused from jury doodie.

They've selected 6 female jurors.

I kept counting out 12 and they only needed 6.

How about that?

Learned somethin' new.

Let's rewind to the day I received the summons.

The familiar red inked bifold envelope with my letter number and reporting date.

I'd joked with Matthew saying, "Ooooooo! I wonder if I'll get the Trayvon Martin case!!"

The week before my June 10th reporting date, Kayla posted an article about the trial and how there were crowds expected and a media circus, blah blah blah.

The date the jury selection started?  June 10th.

I'd called the Friday before the Monday reporting date and the message told my letter group to report on Tuesday.

So, I thought I was in the clear.

Here's what I wrote on Tuesday while I was waiting around in the assembly room:

6.11.13

George Z trial jury selection. I answered the questionnaire. Maybe included some detail they would ask about. Re: no cable news, etc. Now I'm drinking black coffee & sitting on the floor.  I find it funny that when, in a room full of random strangers, there are those people that immediately start chatting each other up.  People want to share things. With or without the internet. The quiet rumble of small talk & mumblings of details. No one has chatted me up yet. I am the quiet observer.

My juror # is I68. Before we filled out the questionnaire, George Z and the lawyers came in to check us out. One dude looked to be counting-bobbing his head down each row...silently doing the math. They said this could last anywhere from 4-6 weeks. I might also be dismissed. Kind of exciting once I got here. News trucks and a camp set up for media outside. Looks like they'll be here for 4-6 weeks, too. I bet they're hoping for a riot when the judgement comes down.  I bet my lack of news watching or cable at home makes me appealing.

One of the deputies in here just told another that she ate her avocado and was "good to go".  The Seminole County deputies are some strong and able looking women. Makes me curious to know their stories.

There's a kid - can't be a week over 18. He's sitting bent over in his chair sleeping on his knees. He's shaped like the number 4. I wonder what he thinks of this. I guess the fact that he's sleeping kinda gives that away. Now he's gone to the floor in the corner to continue his nap.

Meanwhile, I just had a cool idea for a story. A jury duty serial killer. Would make interesting commentary on how we're just numbers and quick to give up details to random strangers. Maybe. Or it's a stupid idea since it's in a courthouse. Also makes me daydream about if there are courthouse bathroom hookups. Like the airport hookup from 6ft Under.
Yes, it all really does come down to sex & violence.

The first judge that came in to qualify us was the same judge McIntosh that precided over the 1st jury duty summons I was selected for. Pretty good chances for this one but they have a big pool to choose from.
I like the bitchy people who don't wanna be here. The ones that have 4 kids 5 jobs & no spouse. The ones who don't care what any one else is going through cuz it couldn't possibly be worse than their situation. "I'm too distracted to be here..." It's not like the jury summons snuck up on you. There's a 3 or 4 week notice at least. There were a few folks that had people in the hospital and one guy that was leaving for honeymoon tomorrow. They got excused. The one lady who was "too distracted" pulled some 'tude early in her explanation. I'd keep her here just for that. Twat.

Shitty coffee tastes better black.

The sleeping kid is a mouth breather.

And a farter.

3hrs so far of just waiting. It was so exciting earlier. Some of that has died down. I wonder what the people who didn't bring a diversion & aren't talking to people are thinking about. How to get away with jury pool room murder, I bet. Or bathroom hookups. Just to sit and stare, seemingly comfortably, for hours on end. Those are the folks to worry about. What's going on in that noggin? 

I did a quick counting like the one head-bobbing lawyer dude did & estimated close to 150 people in here. We broke for lunch. They gave us an hour but I figured by the time I got out of the parking lot, found food I can eat & got back, I'd only really have a half an hour, if that. People brought in fried stuff & wings & it smells good. I ended up snagging a better parking spot & came back in. So I could sit around and wait some more. And eat my nut sack.

The vending machine was sold out of delicious Aquafina water, but gave me $2.10 after I pressed the button to return the $2 put in. Pretty good ROI on a soda machine, but I'm still thirsty.

Trayvon supporters are out front with signs & sitting in the shade. I wonder what they're thinking about today. I bet they're thirsty, too. I was going to take of picture of the folks out there but thought better of it.

GAWDAMN the skinny girl next to me is eating fried empanadas and they smell like awesome grease. I bet she'll purge afterwards. Skinny girls don't eat like that. 

I'd like to conduct a study that tracks people's seating habits. We all left the room and came back to sit in the same spots we left earlier. It's not like we have assigned seats or anything.

My feet keep falling asleep cuz of the way I'm sitting. My luck, they'll call me & I'll stand up and immediately fall down cuz my feet will be napping. Disinterested feet, much like the Sleepy Mouth Breathing Teen.

I hope something happens during this half of the day. I may have to come back tomorrow. They've been calling B#s and there have been about 5 or 6 BINGO jokes. Also of note, some of the B#s were in a different courtroom.  So that makes sense as to why we were called in today. I wonder if the people they're looking for have skipped out after lunch.
I'd also like to conduct a study on why people always look at their finger after scratching an ear itch. Pretty sure it's an involuntary movement at this point in our evolution.

Now I'm sitting here thinking about how seriously quiet it must be in the courtroom upstairs and how talkative and lighthearted it is down here in the pool room. There's occasional laughter. Probably not too much of that happening upstairs. How drastic the difference in atmosphere is depending on which room of the building you're sitting in.

I am that girl that talks to herself while playing games on her phone.

I'm not the talkative pair infront of me that have been chatting since we came in this a.m. First it was college friends, now it's gym training at LA Fitness & 5ks. Yuppie convo nightmare.

It's raining.

Oh, I forgot to mention, about 20 mins ago they dismissed the 1st round of folks. I'm still here.

I bet I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Someone just leaned against the emergency door and set the alarm off.

This concludes this afternoon's excitement.

This guy over here in the talkative pair will not shut the fuck up. He's seriously been talking nonstop for 2+hrs. To the point where he finally cracked open his lunch time water.

I'm gonna move over to the other side of the room..... oh wait.  he just got up and walked away!

His chat partner looks slightly relieved. I bet her ears are sore.

It's sorta comforting to know that the deputies they have in here are just as bored & tired of waiting as we are. The jury officer just went upstairs with all of our summons papers. Hopefully some news will follow shortly.

The later it gets, the louder everyone in here gets. Almost 8 straight hours of just sitting around waiting. What does that do to people? Makes them louder.