A First Friday

As mentioned in yesterday's ramblings, I'm unemployed....was RIF'd back in July.
Here's a cute little throw back in case we wanna reminisce.

There's a funny thing about being in sales.
It's called a 'sales cycle'.
Everything is measured on a quarterly basis and due to this, for some odd reason (*cough* quotas) everyone decides to wait until the last month of every quarter (or every third month, for you yearly calendar folks) to push mega hard, and give discounts, and draw-up endless revisions of contracts & spreadsheets, and have war room concalls, and wait around for signatures in the lobbies of corporate offices, and do everything they frantically can to pull in at the very last minute whatever big elephant deal they might be working on....

And usually all of this is going on within the last 2-3 weeks of that magical beast of a third month.
As if that magical beast of a third month were somehow unexpectedly sneaking up on everyone.

And all the field reps you support are doing all the same cram-it-in things all at the same time.
And your regular 40-50hr work week turns into an 80hr work week for at least 2 weeks in a row.
Every. Third. Month.

And on the last Friday of each quarter....
It's like Christmas with none of the fun stuff.
Because we'd all be staying up late, glued to our laptops til 2 or 3 or 4a.m. babysitting those big elephant deals because they'd just come in that afternoon and they're complex in backend paperwork and everything has to match up just so for processing....
And there'd be emergency fire drill concalls with teams of management at 1a.m. and additional confirmations needed via email or someone forgot to click a checkbox in some system and everyone that's ever been associated with the big elephant deal is asking you if it's booked yet....
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"

And in the past 10yrs, this is the first Friday at the End of The Quarter that I don't have to do ANY of that.

Tonight, I'm pouring one out for my corporate homies that kick so much ass.

______________________

PS. If you're reading this and you know who I'm talking about when I say "Sales Associate", hug them, send them flowers, liquor, beer, strippers, buy them a car. They take really good care of you and do their best for you and, at times, get little in return.

What I've Learned From The Summer of Karen

So I've been unemployed since July.
Most popular question I've been asked is "How's the Summer of Karen going?" followed up by "What are you doing with all of your time?"
Answers range from "Great" to "Anything I fuckin' want!!"
I think most recently, when Clint asked how it was going, my response was a giant all-teeth grin with a thumbs up.

Here are the top 10 things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. It's so easy to forget what day it is. You know how they have those day of the week floor mats in the elevators on cruise ships that change from day to day like the day of the week underpants? We need those. Or underpants. Thanks, Willie, for usually hitting me up on Hoops Day to remind me of where we are in the week.

2. I thought I'd be able to keep up with the cleaning more. It works when Matthew's on work trips. Not so much when he's home. But the fact remains; it's still my least favorite thing to do.

3. Resume writing and going through career services is an 8hr gig in and of itself.  And it usually makes me cranky. Selling myself & talking me up is weird. But I've learned that I'm professionally & soberly introverted but socially & drunkenly extroverted. Maybe I just need to write my resume while intoxicated with friends. It would be easier that way and would give me a good starting point to go back and clean up while sober.

4. Schedules and deadlines.  One of the first things I did was give myself a chore chart (I think that's ultimately my mother's fault. We knew it was summer when the mega weekly chore charts came out). I stick to it most weeks. I need to do up a schedule and deadlines for my Creative Department & Career Services areas. Not so good at those aspects. Plus, video games sneak in there unscheduled. Then there's the random pop-ups playing taxi, lunch dates, webinars, happy hours, etc that I just can't help. Those random pop-ups have always made sticking to a schedule difficult for me.
If I could turn what I want to accomplish in a day/week/month/year into an infographic....I bet that would help me focus on schedules and deadlines. I like charts and graphs.
I feel an experiment coming on.

5. Sleeping in is impossible. I feel obligated to wake up with Matthew and help with breakfast & coffee. Plus, the lawn maintenance dudes get going early every Thursday, and the trash guys every Tuesday and Friday, and Snoop's usually paw-patting my face or lickin' my nose because he's hungry. I can count on one hand how many late nights during the week I've had, so it really doesn't matter about sleeping in. That's what afternoon naps are for and those are heavenly.

6. If you have a Summer list of outside things to do - put that shit off 'til the weather gets cooler. I'd intended to clean up porches & decks and all kinds of outside projects, but between the heat and the flooding rains....fuck that noise.

7. Everyone thinks you're doing nothing with your time, so when they ask, ramble off all the things you are doing in one big long run-on sentence that makes them feel tired by the time you've hit the end of the list and are taking a breath.

8. There is almost nothing to bitch about anymore.  I think the only things I complain about are how many times in a week I have to vacuum or clean out the cats' shit box.  So, I go to Facebook just to see what you guys are bitching about. And to make sure I'm not missing any important Miley Cyrus***/gun control/national debt news.

9. My dream job would be to be paid to travel around the world and document adventures between my favorite video game releases while watching youtube videos or creating them based on whatever random thing I'm building at the moment. And they'd reimburse my banjo lesson...no banjo CAMP tuition.  But now, thanks to Obama-care.....

10. The other night, I had a dream that I was in some big ol' Hogwarts lookin' school and was walking down a library corridor. It was dark with the smell* of musty books and we (there are always other people with me) were looking for ghosts. Suddenly, appearing in front of me was a porcelain doll faced girl, with her hair up & spiked out, all geisha-esque.....but she had the body of some fucked up caterpillar.** I reached out a hand toward her and was all "she ain't real..." and then that bitch bit the side of my hand with jagged little scary teeth. I jerked my hand away real quick....
Meanwhile, in real-life, while sleeping in our comfy bed, when I jerked my hand away from the caterpillar geisha ghost in my dream, I ended up accidentally swattin' Matthew in the balls.
This isn't really something I've learned....I just like giving treats to you at the end.
_____________________________
*I'm lyin' here. I can't smell things in dreams.
**From playing so much Saints Row 4 near the rifts, I'm positive.
***Have we established yet that she's only got the one photo pose??

That One Time We Went To Gentlemen of The Road

We got to the venue and it looked like this:

And we looked like this:

And at night, that 1st thing looked like this:

 (there was also a head that appeared to be coming up out of the ground. I have no drunken pictures of that, though)

And I looked like this when I whizzed after the shuttle bus back to our hotel area:

And this guy was hell bent on shooting pool with Pannacakes:

(crazy ass mofo) 

And this is what my shadow looked like on Crabby Bill The Bartender's shirt:

And this is what I looked like drinkin' a Heineken:

And this is what Crabby Bill looks like when he's not being crabby:

And this is what Crystal looks like when she wakes us up in the morning:

And this is what Pannacakes looks like poolside with a Miller Lite:

And this is what me & Crystal look like when we're poolside with Miller Lites:

And this is what we look like in the pool drinkin' pina coladas under Crystal's umbrella:

And this is what Crystal looks like when she's a badass with mermaid hair:

(which is all the freakin' time)

And this guy wore Pannacakes' bra on his head:

And then we went back to the venue and ran into these guys:

(Pannacakes would later end up at the bar marrying the dude with the awesome staff and shirt)

And this is what I looked like while Mumford was playing:

And this is what Mumford looked like when they were playing:

And after that weekend....we all had to take a break.

YouTubesday!! Tommy Edison!!

For the past year, here's my favorite blind guy on YouTube: 

He has this channel called Blind Film Critic.

That's where you can find him on Twitter and Instagram as well.

And there's also Tommy Edison XP where he talks about his experiences, takes on challenges, and answers questions from the comments section.

The guy is fuckin' adorable and he gives a super interesting perspective on life from his point of view (haha...view).

He held an AMA on Reddit last week that I'd mentioned on Facebook and as happy as I was that one of my questions got answered, it would've been nice if it hadn't been the douchey one that was 3rd in line on this list:

But hey, at least it was answered & didn't surprise anyone at all.

YAY, small victories!!

Anyway, check him out & his producer buddy, Ben Churchill - they're awesome and I'd like to give them hugs & buy them a beer someday.

POP BOMB VID!!!

BOOM!!*

OK...now that you've seen it...

Here are some fun things to look for whenever you go back to watch it again, like we all know you will:

• At the beginning, we have 2 cameras, so you're getting what Trina's seeing inside the obstacle course while Johnny's outside filming. This only happened at the beginning of the event, while we were still somewhat sober.

• Trina on the hop-n-bop is similarly captured and while we were still somewhat sober.

• A lot of what you're seeing throughout is timed with the lyrics you're hearing.  Example: When Chrystal's got the whipped cream...it's not on accident that you were also hearing the words "milky way".

• When you see StayPuft dancing to "Party Hard", it looks like Johnny (Steve Irwin to the right) puppets the echoing "Party Hard" and it makes me laugh every time.

• All the pics included at the end were ones you guys posted on the event page. Thank you for those!

I might have enough footage of everyone looking at the camera to see if "it's on?" to make a montage of just that. Stay tuned, maybe.

PS. I don't wanna hear any bitching about how they look fat or bald or wasted or ridiculous.* We're being captured in our natural environment, not posing for Olan Mills.  Believe me, there's way worse I could've included in here. You're welcome very much.

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*Yep, I said it.

That One Time I Forgot To Share The NOLA Video

Pannacakes and I went to NOLA for our birthdays earlier this year.
Matthew met us there after a work trip in Austin.
Here's what that mess looked like:

YouTubesday - My Shaytards Fascination

Remember when I told you about my family falling apart and said that it would lead into next weekend's confession?  Well, I've bumped it up to Tuesday cuz it fits.
Anyway, right around the same time as all that crap, my YouTube palate started defining itself.
I've talked about that before & in that rambling, I linked this video:

For the past 5 years, that family has done a daily vlog. Most of them are about 20mins long and he, Shay, edits together their Christmas footage into an hour long "Christmas Special".
It's a 20min window into another family's daily life.
And it's all the fun happy moments captured (except when their old dog, Malachi, passed...that was sad). But they include the random daily silly stuff that happens, like this, and then just this past weekend they were on Jimmy Kimmel because of this:

And yes, I've been watching them for that long.
And yeah, I'll admit that it's kinda weird - to watch a family on the webbernets. But they look happy and functional and I watch them because they restore a bit of hope for people/families and it's an awesome thought to be able to edit out the shit you don't wanna see. Plus, I selfishly wish my NJ cousins & Breeder friends would start recording and editing together their own little windows of their daily lives so I could watch them all grow up online and see the silly stories I only hear about when we're able to get together or those they occasionally post on Facebook.
It makes better reality tv than shit like The Kardashians or Honey BooBoo or whatever's currently sucking for entertainment on the cable channels we no longer have.

Aside from the Shaytards daily vlogs and the vids that Shay puts up on his channel, he's also involved in this kids cartoon series:

and has been working on this documentary where almost everyone cries in the trailer:


Lately Shay has been talking about his Mormon upbringing & experiences.
Some of it's interesting, some I don't agree with, but he's putting it out there. He's opening himself up to a broad audience and I have mad respect for anyone who's got the balls to do that and get conversations going.  Especially when it comes to complicated subjects that take people out of their comfort zones.

I love my little interweb family.
And, No...watching them does not make me want kids of our own.
My list of reasons to not birth any babies has only grown since watching them.
20mins is a lovely small dose and then I can click to see talking animals or watch someone play video games.

Sunday Confession - A Dissection of Emo

"...I certainly don’t want everyone just to admire it or approve of it without knowing why." - VanGogh on The Potato Eaters.

"Art with a story behind it is the best kind, silly." - Martha M.

I made this 36x24 piece of whatever a few years back after my family fell apart. I treated it as an outlet for all the pent up crap being dealt with during this particular time in my life.
I've never really explained any of it in detail or have been comfortable enough to, but I've often thought about sharing it & how to go about doing so.
Time to nut up or shut up.
Plus, looking back at it - my style has changed a little and this looks like a kid did it.
Reckon that might've been my frame of mind at the time. Or maybe my style is just kid-like.
Not that my shit recently is great, or even good...it's not about that. It's about putting it out there.*
What if I died tomorrow and my family goes through all my crap and looks at this and they go all, "what the fuck is this?" on it and never know what it meant to me?

Right then...here we go:

The dollhouse torn into 4 parts: That's a B&W photo on cheap paper of the dollhouse my father's father built when I was a kidlet. Grew up with that house and there was a time when it was given to another family while I bounced around between apartments and whatnot. The house was returned to me about 5 years ago (a strange precursor to what happened a year later). Each torn piece represents a member in my immediate family. The upper left being my brother, me on the upper right (which is how our rooms were set up in the house we grew up in), my mother on the bottom left, and father on the bottom right. There's a round oil can stain on my father's section because he was a mechanic and antique boat restorer. My mom's section has cuts in it cuz she's a self-admitted emotional force and it amazes me that with so many fractures and cracks, she hasn't completely snapped. My brother's section is on fire with the bigger flame because he was in a wreck 8 years ago. The car he was in slid off of the road and into a tree, bursting into flames, killing both him and his friend that was driving. My section has the smaller fire - my brother's catching part of mine on fire....the flames a bit of a high-five between us.
My & my mother's sections have snippets of this song lining the edges.

The edges of the house are torn but being held together by a frayed and strained red yarn. Red for blood, of course, because we're family....& meaning that not even blood can really keep a family together.
Not when built upon an unstable foundation.

The Unstable Foundation: This area has a bit of a complicated meaning for it being such a simple shape. The instability under the house being a mix of sand and acrylic paint. It stems from my father coming out to my mother and I about 4 years ago. Their divorce followed shortly after but the house we grew up in was finally split and sold just earlier this year. My father has gone through a few boyfriends since the initial "outage" and we rarely speak. Mostly because when we do, I can't handle the dumb shit he says. Like the time he told me that if my brother had lived, none of this would've happened. Which is the other meaning for that section, for the sweeping & winding escape into the night sky, and because snippets of this song line the edges of that section and I imagine those words coming from my brother/me:


The Moon & Stars: Metaconfession: I have, what some would call, Pagan tendencies. Though the generic category label on society's filing cabinet for Belief Systems would have me under Agnostic....aspects of Paganism make a lot of sense to me. Balance & cycles. The moon is a Goddess symbol. The full moon has always been hopeful & comforting to me and along with her in the night sky, I included raised silver stars for an Orion and a dipper (or saucepan, as Kim B. would call it). Reminders that there are still things that...remain...***

And that about wraps things up.
For now.
Hope it wasn't too awkward and you feel like maybe you know me a little better.
If you have any thoughts or feelings or experiences to share, please...feel free.
If you have any shitty/nit-picky/snarky comments to make, please....also feel free because I've probably been lookin' for a reason to punch you in the crotch anyway.

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*plus it's a nice lead into next weekend's confession
***(I was going to put another word or three there, but "remain" seemed to be enough).

Advice To Young Bloggers

My friend's daughter, Nae, has recently been makin' some noise about blogging and was looking for recommendations for sites to start her own.
It got me thinkin' about what I'd pass along, or maybe, what I wish I'd heard those several years* ago when I first started putting my stupid voice out there.

Here are some helpful-ish tips:

1. Don't write for other people. They won't read your shit anyway. And I do mean that in the nicest way possible. They just won't. Until one day when you think no one reads it and then someone mentions to you at a party that they've been reading it. And that when they do, it's usually during a morning constitutional. But hey, they're reading it, right? Score!!
There have been a few other times people have owned up to reading my shit -looking forward to it even- and it's a funny feeling. I love you, you fucking creepers. ;)

2. Write for yourself. If you have something heavy on your mind - get that shit OUT!! Right then - write it down on something to type up later, get the mobile app....whatever...just write it down. Get those brilliant thoughts outta your head. It's actually better for your noggin health. Plus, you don't wanna let a brilliant strike slip away only to have a creative block later. I've found that while traveling or in places where I don't have a good connection, actual writing with pen & paper is best. *GASP* I knoooooow!! Who'da thunk?
The other awesome reason to write for yourself, and the reason I write for myself, is so when you're older than you ever thought was possible and your mind has left town, you have some entertaining shit to read or have read to you. Little time capsules & slivers of yourself to look back on or pass through the family. Same reason applies as to why I make the dumb videos I make.

3. Don't censor yourself or be afraid to offend people. Because fuck them.  See #2. (heh...#2)

4. Proofread a shit ton of times before you publish it.  Most of the time you'll come off sounding like an idiot anyway (especially if you're like me and write in a conscious thought stream that includes slang) - typos and easy grammatical errors will only compound that & cancel out any cool points you may have earned in topic.
Plus, simple errors just get on my nerves (ask Matthew) and I'd like it if more people took the time to proofread their shit.

5. Hemmingway said, "Write drunk; Edit sober."

6. If you're stumped and don't know what to write about, reviews and How-To's are always easy go-tos. Music, movies, books, events, travel, cooking, etc. (obviously, I've had no idea what to write about over the past few years.) Even old diary/journal entries are good references in times of blockage.

7. Never ever think anything is going to go viral. I stress this one here, but this goes for anything being shared via social media. "Viral" doesn't work that way. You can't set out one day thinking you're going to make a Viral Something. If you do, you'll only be disappointed and I'll point and laugh and say, "I told you so." If you end up making something that happens to go viral (see the difference there?), it will be a joyous occasion and we'll all be reading/watching it on loop and will help you celebrate.

8. As a follow-up to #3....Don't feel like you have a license to be an asshole to people. Don't make it sound like you're directing your commentary towards any one person. That's just mean. If there is anyone reading your shit, they'll probably think whatever you're saying is about them anyway, so just keep things in general terms. It's classier that way & you won't come off as just another trash talker.

9. Include pictures if you're wordy. How many times have you clicked a link and were assaulted by a giant screen of unbroken paragraphs and more words than you were able to scroll through? Did you read it all? No, you were too busy scrolling, looking for the end. Be nice to eyeballs and break it up into bite size chunks with pictures, lists (like this one), embedded vids, or just simply throw in some good paragraph breaks.

10. There's no number 10. I just wanted to see if you'd make it this far on the list. Here's a small reward if you've only scrolled to the ending because you let the amount of words intimidate you:

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*Yes, I actually have been blogging for "several years". I kept up with one on multiply.com for a couple years starting in 2004. multiply.com isn't around anymore as of May 2013. Go ahead, check. Then I did the myspace thing for a few years until I started spewing all over Blogger in 2008 with this slice of brilliance. And that's only the internet stuff. I've kept journals all my life, too!!