You Know You're Fat When -or- A Declaration

1. Your 'fat' jeans are tight.
2. You break a sweat trying on different outfits.
3. XL shirts don't hide the rolls.
4. Your tits muffin top.*
5. The spot where your thighs touch threaten to start a fire when you walk.
6. The spot where your thighs touch are the only hole worn in your 'fat' jeans that are now tight.
7. You look like a stack of mower tires from behind.
8. Your elbows are but mere dimples.
9. Your underwear rolls down when you sit.
10. Your shirt rolls up when you take it off.
11. An Englishman calls you the "softest bird" he's ever danced with.
12. You wear your husband's swim trunks to a waterpark.
13. You sunburnt your stretchmarks.
14. You stand in the mirror and see a more fit you underneath the fatsuit you're currently wearing.
15. All pictures with you in them, suck.

Seriously, you guys....I've been a horrible disappointment to myself over the past year or two, or three, or six.

I even told me so a couple weeks ago when I tried (and failed, yet again) to keep a weight loss journal**.

This one lasted for not even 2 weeks.

ARGH!!!

Back in November, I started actin' like I was going to tackle this thing for real and wanted to do a 365 photo/vlog project and blah blah blah.

That one lasted about 2 weeks, too.

I HATE THE TWO WEEK CYCLE!!

Why do I do that?

Why am I letting me down?

Pannacakes just recently told me she hit a goal and is treating herself with some junk from Amazon.

I have no goals.

I've never had any real goals.

I usually just say what I want and then later on (days, weeks, months, years) it happens, but its not like I have a goal set list.

So, here it is.

I'm saying it, outloud, to you and the rest of the universe:

I WANT TO LOSE 30LBS BY THE END OF 2012.

We have 7 months left of the year.

That's 28 weeks.

And that's roughly 2lbs per week (with an added little challenge thrown in)

Here's how I plan to do it.  (holy crap...is this a goal??)

• Gym 5 days a week.  Bonuses if I have dance class or other high movement-type outings.
• Knock off the beer consumption drastically.  If I have any, it'll be dark and heavenly and 2 is my cutoff.
• Cut out the carb intake.  No breads, pastas, noodles, or other baked goods.  Even whole wheat type crap.  This has worked for me before, why don't I go back to what works?
• Lean meats and veg.  Fruits in the a.m.  Nothing crazy or new here.
• No friggin' CHEESE.  This one's a bitch.  I fuckin' love cheese...BUT like I said, I've done it before.

Its just time for me to do this again.

I don't like the way I feel.  I don't need anyone to make it a competition.  I don't need to keep talking about it.

What I do need is encouragement, constant reminders, and to fuckin' DO IT ALREADY.

If you don't like something, change it, right?

Its time to fucking change things.

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*I'm so not mad at this one.  It took me getting fat to even have tits.

**Written in the book Pannacakes got me that has a picture of a chihuahua dressed up like Michael Jackson on the cover.

The Neverending Birthday Week -or- Karenpalooza 2012 Part III

Saturday Day 6 - DAY OF!! - The morning greeted us with a maid cop knock, Matthew sleepily saying, "come back later" and then me freaking out that my camera bag wasn't in my room.  We went looking back at the band stage and I told Matt that I kinda remember Willie saying that he had my camera bag but I didn't trust my drunken head at that point.  We did the quick stage search (did not see the washtub bass in the bushes) and talked to the towel boy, to end up back in the room with my phone finally plugged in to recharge and a reply from Willie saying, "Yes, I still have your camera bag." with relief washing over.  This made us hungry and we headed over to the restaurant for breakfast buffet where Matthew told me to check my email on my phone.  I looked and smiled seeing the Two Door Cinema Club tickets for the Beacham Theater on June 4th.  YAY!!!
We went and wandered around the vendor room and picked up some prints by this dude, Willie gave us some badass prints from this dude and this set as a bday present that I'm effin' excited about.
This next bit, I feel the need to preface with the following:
About a month ago, I told Front Man John of The Bloody Jug Band that, with my bday coming up, Matt would probably be hitting him up for a merch/souvenir size washboard that the band sells during shows.  I'd made a little noise about how great it would be to have one on our "gallery" wall at home.
And this bit is the actual turn of events:
After running through the vendor room and pickin' up cards and prints and shakin' hands and playin' games, we went back by the Band booth to say "see ya" and Seth, John, & Stormy were there.  We chatted a minute and then John said something about my birthday and picked up the washboard he plays during shows and recent practices and took the straps & eye-hooks off and handed it to me with a "Happy Birthday" or something or other.
I say "something or other" because at some point while he was handing it to me, my brain shut down in disbelief.
I say "disbelief" because 1) that was the one he uses in shows and I knew they had a show the following night and 2) I asked for A washboard, not THE washboard.
There were 2 thimbles included even.

Completely overwhelmed and in a slight state of shock, I said my thank you's and "see ya" laters and we headed out.

Once home, Matthew said, "Close your eyes and put your hands out flat...." which was shortly followed by, "OK, open'em."  This is what I saw in my hands:

I totally know what you're saying....I was saying the same thing.
"HOLY CRAP, HOW COULD ANY ONE DAY GET ANY MORE AWESOME?!?"
I'll tell ya....
A 2.5 hour nap surely helps.
And dinner at Hawkers might've had something to do with it.
And then a trip with crazy friends to Lil 500 to ride go-karts might contribute, too.

The bumpy track was....
There was NO POSSIBLE WAY to NOT laugh or smile while driving.  The boobahs were bouncing, the track was ridiculous, everyone was doing something different and clownin'.
The fast track was....
Fast...and slippery and awesome.
Perma-grins for the night and sore faces later on from smiling/laughing so much.
We also sang "We Are Young" by Fun at the top of our lungs while we were driving.

This bit of awesome was followed by dive bar karaoke at Cheers and singin' "Man In A Box", "Road To Nowhere", "Bobby McGee", "Roadhouse Blues" and trainwreck shots with an improv LMFAO "I'm Sexy & I Know It" group dance.

Seriously, even just thinking about it now is bringing a giant effing smile to my face.

We finished off the night with sign stealing and 7/11 sammiches.

WTH Weds - The Belly Cast

This is my friend, Martha, when she was preggers with her 2nd boy.

And this is her boobs/belly cast that she gave me to make pretty.

Grady (the boy that was in there) was born at the end of Aug.
Which means I've had this thing for like 3 months almost and have only sanded and primed it.
Every time I look at it, all I can see is a frog face.
And nipples.
Martha said, "no pressure" when she dropped it off, but I'm feelin' a little bit o'.
We'll see how it goes....

Summer Bomb Highlights (that I can remember)

Breakfast of champions.
Early arrivals.
Balloons for the bounce house.
Worried about the costumes going on easily due to being sticky from no a/c.
A/C repair guy: "you're fucked. 3-7 biz days"
Testing the slide for quality assurance.
Testing the keg for quality assurance.
Getting dressed.
Taking pictures & LMAO with IronFist & Weezy Cage (aka Power[wo]Man)
Not being able to see through my mask.
Poison Ivy's eyebrows.
Ash's chainsaw.
Venom adjusting his cup.
Pool shots of washington apple dripping into my ear.
Orgasmic carrotcake balls.
Cool clouds/sky & threat of rain.
Butt spanks.
Jesus smoking & drinking.
Batmanties.
Spidermanties.
Losing beer pong.
Wonder Woman in boottops & flipflops.
Black Widow.
Floating keg.
Catwoman doing the splits.
Spiderman with no batteries.
Toe shots of tequila.
Snoop chillin' at the pool with us.
Gag reflexes being tested by Bomb Pops.
Crotch grabs & cleavage pictures.
Cake shots in the kitchen while Catwoman was still doing splits.
Catwoman unmasking while doing the splits.
Finding Jesus behind the couch.
Cousin phone call.
Waking up in the bouncehouse at 3:30a.m. with the sprinklers on.
Waking Matt up to bring the inflatables' fans in.
Black Widow passed out on the couch infront of a fan.
Watermelon stabbed through with the big knife.
Changing into pjs & passing out in bed with 3 fans on.
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Somewhere in there that I don't remember, was a laughter filled romp in the bounce house with Black Widow, a chat with Dr. Manhattan, and a demand for SAMMICHES!!
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Morning After Finds:
1. 1 Jesus costume with hair and beard.
2. 1 flip flop
3. 1 pair of roxy flip flops.
4. 1 Batman shirt
5. 1 blackfist afro pick
6. 1 olive green & white striped towel
7. 1 set of platinum/diamond wedding bands
8. 1 Michael Kors watch
9. 1 red headband
10. 8 cigarette butts (in my flower pots)
11. 1 Green Lantern ring
12. 1 pair of fuzzy Catwoman gloves.
13. 2 Poison Ivy vines
14. 1 half drunk bottle of red zin.
15. 1 half drunk bottle of margarita mix.
16. a skinny boy's swim trunks
17. Aforementioned Spidermanties draped around the Rockband drumset
18. 1 pile of mayo in the grass
19. 1 7/11 lighter
20. 2 Dr. Shots syringes & one sippy bottle with 1/5 remaining washington apple.
21. 1 defiled bag of Doritos
22. 1 pool key missing it's key ring.
23. 1 busted industrial toilet seat used for redneck horseshoes

WTH Weds - Wig Day

Here's a hint for who I'm gonna be for this year's Superheroes/Villians Bomb.


Guesses will not win you anything, but they will be fun to read.

Mexico - 8.21.2010

Saturday morning we were greeted with the lovely calming sound of Clint bangin' on our fuckin' door like he was a damn cop and saying, in his highpitched cackle voice, "WELCOME TO ATLANTIS!!"
Matt and I hopped outta bed like there was a robbery taking place and grabbed some robes.
Matt's didn't fit so he threw a towel on his lower half.
We stepped outside about to punch Clint in the throat for freakin' us out and saw what was causing such a ruckus.
Apparently, overnight there was a storm that both Matt & I slept through (no a/c, had the fan noise), that blew open the doors in Jess & Clint's room.....that ended up flooding out the sugarcane fields and the front yard of the hacienda.
It looked like this:
This might cause a problem with getting people OUT of the Hacienda and to the church so the bride & parents were working on a plan B.
The whole day, getting ready, looked a lot like this:

The girls getting ready.

The boys getting ready.

After a few hours, some sweating, and something called a paloma (which we just knew as "tequila & squirt"), everyone was ready to get to the church.
Inside, the church looked like this:

The ceremony was lovely and mostly in spanish and there were opera-like singers that blew the roof off the place. It also rained more.

After the ceremony, everyone moved from inside to the courtyard out front for pictures and hugs and twisted ankles (ahem, Tracy The Attention Getter). :)
Matt was then tricked into drinking grain alcohol which appeared from an unknown source. Matt blamed Clint for poisoning him and then everyone got in their respective rides...

except....
me, Chrystal & Chad, and the entire family of the groom.
LEFT BEHIND!!!
Dammit.
So we hung out against that wall and waited and I kept a look out for that pimped out white SUV.
About 30-45mins later we were rescued.
When we got back to the hacienda there was a magical 13pc mariachi band with epic pants on.
They looked like this:



After about an hour of appetizers and mariachis, they herded us into the tequila barn for the reception. Outside the main door was a table seating chart.
Instead of doing that, I went to look for Matt who was taking pictures of the bridal party at sunset.

Can't blame him for that.
We walked back to the barn and found our seats and the couple was announced and they danced and it was all happiness.


Then we ate some fantastic food & dessert.

Then there were fireworks:

Then we danced our asses off and drank pretty much everything that was handed to us and made duckfaces at whatever camera was pointed at us.

Here's our super model shoot:
Girls:

Boys:

For us, the night ended at about 1:30am and we drifted off to sleep to the sound of blown off leftover fireworks.*
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*And Tracy got to see Matt's naked butt when she peeked into our window and we were running across the room to jump into the shower to cool us off and rinse off the dance sweat.
w00t!

Best Wonder Woman TShirt

Mainly because of the bosom sugar underneath Wonder Woman's face!