Tuesday, June 5, 2012

You Know You're Fat When -or- A Declaration

  1. Your 'fat' jeans are tight.
  2. You break a sweat trying on different outfits.
  3. XL shirts don't hide the rolls.
  4. Your tits muffin top.*
  5. The spot where your thighs touch threaten to start a fire when you walk.
  6. The spot where your thighs touch are the only hole worn in your 'fat' jeans that are now tight.
  7. You look like a stack of mower tires from behind.
  8. Your elbows are but mere dimples.
  9. Your underwear rolls down when you sit.
  10. Your shirt rolls up when you take it off.
  11. An Englishman calls you the "softest bird" he's ever danced with.
  12. You wear your husband's swim trunks to a waterpark.
  13. You sunburnt your stretchmarks.
  14. You stand in the mirror and see a more fit you underneath the fatsuit you're currently wearing.
  15. All pictures with you in them, suck.
Seriously, you guys....I've been a horrible disappointment to myself over the past year or two, or three, or six.
I even told me so a couple weeks ago when I tried (and failed, yet again) to keep a weight loss journal**.
This one lasted for not even 2 weeks.

Back in November, I started actin' like I was going to tackle this thing for real and wanted to do a 365 photo/vlog project and blah blah blah.
That one lasted about 2 weeks, too.

Why do I do that?
Why am I letting me down?

Pannacakes just recently told me she hit a goal and is treating herself with some junk from Amazon.
I have no goals.
I've never had any real goals.
I usually just say what I want and then later on (days, weeks, months, years) it happens, but its not like I have a goal set list.

So, here it is.
I'm saying it, outloud, to you and the rest of the universe:

We have 7 months left of the year.
That's 28 weeks.
And that's roughly 2lbs per week (with an added little challenge thrown in)

Here's how I plan to do it.  (holy crap...is this a goal??)
  • Gym 5 days a week.  Bonuses if I have dance class or other high movement-type outings.
  • Knock off the beer consumption drastically.  If I have any, it'll be dark and heavenly and 2 is my cutoff.
  • Cut out the carb intake.  No breads, pastas, noodles, or other baked goods.  Even whole wheat type crap.  This has worked for me before, why don't I go back to what works?
  • Lean meats and veg.  Fruits in the a.m.  Nothing crazy or new here.
  • No friggin' CHEESE.  This one's a bitch.  I fuckin' love cheese...BUT like I said, I've done it before.
Its just time for me to do this again.
I don't like the way I feel.  I don't need anyone to make it a competition.  I don't need to keep talking about it.
What I do need is encouragement, constant reminders, and to fuckin' DO IT ALREADY.
If you don't like something, change it, right?

Its time to fucking change things.
*I'm so not mad at this one.  It took me getting fat to even have tits.
**Written in the book Pannacakes got me that has a picture of a chihuahua dressed up like Michael Jackson on the cover.
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