Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Halloween Movies - The Burning (1981)

Plot: Summer camp douchebags pull arson prank on poor unsuspecting outcast which naturally goes wrong. Burnt & horribly disfigured outcast goes after those responsible. And murder.
Followed by slaughter.
And Holly Hunter's in it.
Play by Play: Some silly boys decide it would be funny to scare a poor ugly dude who takes care of the summer camp they're attending. They sneak into his cabin and light a maggot filled skull candle on his bedside table and then pound on the windows and howl to wake him up. Upon seeing the maggot filled skull candle sitting on his bedside table, he screams and swats the candle ON TO his bed covers.
His bed covers & pants immediately go up in flames and jumps outta bed only to kick over a can of gasoline sitting on the floor.
(Who doesn't sleep next to gas cans?)
Then he runs around outside suddenly wearing a fire suit and flailing about instead of stop, drop, & rolling.
Meanwhile, the silly boys are just watching....
as the ugly camp dude flails to the edge of a ravine and tumbles down into a creek.
(As if your night couldn't get any worse, right?)

Later, at the hospital, a man nurse in the burn ward is showing a newbie doctor around and starts talkin' about the worst burn he's ever seen and says this guy's a monster and how he's "cooked...a fuckin' Big Mac..overdone...y'know what I mean?"
And then they go in to check the poor burnt monster BigMac and BigMac grabs the shit talkin' man nurse and he and Dr. Newbie make these faces:
They clearly need to work on their bedside manner.

After a few more terrified looks and screaming, the opening credits start.
Credit's end and there's a quick "getting released from the hospital so you know some time has passed" montage and then Monster BigMac gets a hooker.

She makes this face when she gets a good look at him:

Then he stabs her in the belly with some scissors.

(Wait...I thought this was a revenge flick. What the hell did the ugly whore do to him?)

Cut to sunrise on the lake at Camp Stonewater where girls are playing softball without bras or pants on.
And Jason Alexander is cheering them on.
(How did I miss that in the credits?)

Then there's a boobies in the shower scene and shampoo magically appears and the girl gets scared because the camp perv is watchin' her in the shower.
He gets in trouble...we find out he's the weird kid no one relates to and everyone goes swimming.
Some douchebag in red shorts pushes the weird kid into the lake even though everyone knows the weird kid can't swim. Then the douchebag laughs maniacally while Jason Alexander is scolding.
Jason Alexander and his buddies get the weird kid out of the water and then Fisher Stevens shoots the douchebag in the red shorts with a "pea shooter"and hits him in the butt cheek while he's trying to spit game to the ladies.
(Damn, I missed Fisher Stevens in the credits too?)
Then the peashooter fellas moon him and a chubby girl pushes the douchebag in the red shorts into the water.
(Yes, you heard right...we get to see Jason Alexander's ass.)
Then everyone laughs.

Now its night and everyone's in their respective cabins.
The boys are playin' poker, smokin' cigarillos and drinkin' what looks like Coca-Cola, Sprite, Ginger Ale, and Red Stripe.
The douchebag (who isn't wearing red shorts anymore) looks like he's cutting himself with a dartboard dart (of COURSE the douchebag is emo. duh).
The weird kid looks to be contimplating his day and then Jason Alexander walks in like he's the man and delivers nudie magazines.
Followed by a few masturbation jokes.

OH NO - IT'S MONSTER BIGMAC LURKING OUTSIDE IN THE SHADOWS!

Meanwhile inside, the emo douchebag is mad because Jason Alexander brought back the wrong rubbers.

THE MONSTER BIGMAC IS STILL LURKING!!

BigMac presses his crispy golden face against a cabin window and weird kid sees him and everyone goes to check it out but there's nothing there.

A camp counselor dude (not too familiar with him cuz he's probably gonna die and I wasn't paying too much attention to him when we were introduced to his character about 20mins ago) is walkin' around outside and gets creeped out when a white dove flies out of the outhouse.
(Pussy.)
He walks in to the boys cabin and yells at them to go eat dinner.

This gives Jason Alexander another chances to make an entrance like he owns the place.
This time the chow hall.
Emo Douchebag hits on Shower Tits from earlier & all the girls giggle.
Jason Alexander interrupts and Emo Douchebag shoves him, sits down, then shakes the salt shaker at the weird kid.
(hahaha....Assault. Get it? A-SALT. Salt can be a deadly weapon.)
(no...not really)
(.....maybe...if you....)
(bah! back to the movie)
Jason Alexander continues to flirt after the girls shout over a homo joke.
Fisher Stevens gets up to fetch his Vitamin E where he left it in the cabin.
Then some male authority figure knocks on a clipboard to quiet down the hall.
Effective.
He announces some crap about the older kids leaving for a canoe trip...but he has a drag queen's voice.

Fisher Stevens is walking outside, towards the cabin, and kicks a can.
He's also wearing a fanny pack that I hadn't noticed earlier.

OH NO!! MONSTER BIGMAC IS LURKING OUTSIDE IN THE SHADOWS!!
I bet he wants that fanny pack.

Fisher Stevens is diggin' around in his footlocker lookin' for his crap when the door opens and a big black shadow starts moving towards Fisher Stevens...floors creaking the whole way.
Fisher Stevens can think of nothing to do but mouth breathe.

(We're 1/3 into the movie and the death count is only 1 hooker so far? geez. There's not even Holly Hunter yet. wtf.)

After some lame build up, of course, its the camp counselor dude.
Whew. I thought for sure Fisher Stevens was gonna bite it because of that fanny pack.
They walk back to the chow hall and BigMac is still lurking and heavy breathing.
And the dragqueen guy is still talking.
Everyone cheers.

Now the older kids are canoeing.
Dick jokes and paddle splashing ensue.

Night and the counselor dude is telling scary stories by the campfire.
A story about an old drunk named Cropsy, who was a sadist and had smelly breath and carried gardening sheers.
One night some kids decided to play a prank and it went terribly wrong and Cropsy caught on fire and.....
We've heard this before.
AND THEN SOME DUDE JUMPS OUT WITH A MASK AND KNIFE AND SCARES EVERYONE!!
Fisher Stevens calls him an asshole.
Everyone laughs.

Fake Scare guy and his lady go out walking and she doesn't want to put out so he pressures her some more after he kisses her.
Her name is Karen. hahaha
He gets naked and goes swimming.
Then she gets naked (bush) and goes swimming.
Man, this dude is smooth.
Except she keeps telling him to stop when he starts eating her face.
So she slaps him.
He splashes her with water in a violent rage & tells her to "get the fuck outta my face".
(But he was just eating hers...)
She swims off.
BigMac is lurking.
Fake Scare (Eddie) splashes angrily again.
When Karen gets back to shore, her clothes are gone...now scattered through the woods.
Except her shoes.
As she's walking back through, she finds her clothes and puts them back on as she goes.
Some weird music plays.
Eddie is still swimming.
Karen passes her socks (since her shoes are already on) and as she gets to another piece of outfit, a pair of gardening sheers pop out from behind a tree and she gets her throat cut.
The sheers get stabbed into the tree next to Karen's gurgling body.
YAY A DEATH!!
(50min mark, death count: 2)
YAY A KAREN DEATH!!!
(still no Holly Hunter)

At sunrise, Camp Counselor people start yelling at Eddie about where Karen is. He gets all defensive and talks with his hands.
He's clearly Italian American.
Then everyone finds out the canoes are gone.
They have a meeting by the river to talk about the missing canoes and to throw rocks into the river.
Everyone splits off and goes to look for canoes.
Except the Camp Counselor Couple who sit in a different spot at the edge of the river and throw rocks in the water.
Apparently, they don't have to look for canoes because they're in positions of authority.
They talk about building a raft.

Jason Alexander & his boys make a "your mother" joke and look for bits to build a raft with.
Jason Alexander slaps Fisher Stevens and then they meet up with the girls who have found a plastic milk jug to put towards the raft. Fisher Stevens takes it and throws it in the river.
Jackass.
Jason Alexander should've slapped him again.

Emo Douchebag is chasing Shower Tits and throws himself on her. She tells him to cool his engines, kisses him, then tells him "No!" and walks off.
Tease.

Camp Counselors are building a raft with a big pile of lumber.
(Where the hell did that pile of wood come from??)
Chubby Girl walks up holding a huge log.
(LMAO)

MONSTER BIGMAC IS LURKING!!

Emo Douchebag & Shower Tits are making out against a rock & she yells "No!" again when he goes for her jacket zipper. (Jeeeez all these mixed signals.)
She says, "Not here. Later. Maybe." and he gets creepy saying, "Its gonna be real good. Real good. I promise."
(*shivers*....ew.)
Then he tries to unzip her jacket again.
Then she lets him.

And weird kid is watching the whole thing from behind a tree.
With both hands visible.

Now the raft is built and Eddie, Fisher Stevens, some other dude, and 2 girls that aren't Holly Hunter are on it and everyone's cheering & making jokes.
They're paddling and bitching and bitching and paddling...
(someone, please die already)
One of the chicks asks Eddie about Karen.
Eddie blows her off.
They see one of the missing canoes in the distance and paddle over.
You can see Fisher Stevens red underwears peeking out from under his tiny shorts.
They get close to the missing canoe and
BIGMAC JUMPS OUT AND STABS EVERYONE WITH GARDENING SHEERS!!
Eddie gets stabbed in the neck. Some chick gets stabbed, I guess and then jumps in the water.
The other chick gets sliced across the forehead.
And he cuts off Fisher Stevens' fingers.
(60min mark. Death count: 7)
Back where everyone else was left behind, Camp Counselor Couple pat each other on the back for how great they are for building a raft and flirt.
They ditch camp (& the kids they're responsible for) to get busy.

Meanwhile, Emo Douchebag & Shower Tits are already gettin' busy.
He keeps telling her to relax and then jackrabbits her and then says, "shit" and then she says, "That's all?"
Then they get all lovey.
(I'm so confused with these two.)

BIGMAC IS LURKING!!!
(or its just the weird kid watching them again.)

Emo Douchebag decides to leave to get some matches to build his special lady a hot fire.
(since he's already spent his.)
As soon as he leaves, BigMac comes out and struggles with Shower Tits and his gardening sheers.
When Emo Douchebag returns, he uncovers Shower Tits and gets stabbed in the neck & lifted off the ground by BigMac.
Weird kid followed Emo Douchebag and saw the whole thing.
(1hr7min mark. Death count: 9)

Weird kid runs back to get Camp Counselor guy who's sleeping by himself....??
And doesn't believe the weird kid and tries to go back to sleep.
Finally listens to him and follows the weird kid back to where Emo & Tits met their demise.
Camp Counselor guy see Emo's body and bends down to poke it with a stick when....

MONSTER BIGMAC COMES OUT OF HIDING AND SLICES COUNSELOR DUDE ACROSS THE FOREHEAD.
(What's with the forehead slicing?)
Weird kid runs away & hides behind a rock.
Camp Counselor guy is still alive.

Now its day time and we're back with everyone else (and the Camp Counselor chick) who are still standing in the same spot they were when the raft left.....
And they see the raft floating back towards them.

OH WAIT....Is that I see??
Could that be??
Is it?......Is Holly Hunter standing in front of Jason Alexander and next to the chick singin' her favorite Elton John song??

She yells something about the raft and then I know its her.
(1hr10min mark: Death Count: still 9. Holly Hunter Count: 1)

So the Camp Counselor chick swims out to the raft and pulls a bloody arm off it and Fisher Stevens stiff bloated body floats up out of the water and gives her a hug and she screams.
Jason Alexander jumps in to save her from body parts.

Everyone's on land and crying.
(best movie ever.)
Camp Counselor dude tells his Camp Counselor lady to get him some help & pretends to have the situation under control.

Weird kid's running around some rocks like he's being chased.
MONSTER BIG MAC IS LURKING!!! STANDING ON SOME ROCKS RIGHT ABOVE THE WEIRD KID!! AND HE'S HOLDING HIS GIANT SCISSORS!!

But nothing happens.

Now some kids are back on that ghetto raft.
They're crying and paddling.
(The paddling is so much better when the paddler is cryin'.)

Camp Counselor dude is out lookin' for weird kid who is running around in the woods like he's being chased again.
Camp Counselor dude is holding an ax.
(Probably not smart to run with an ax.)

Camp Counselor lady is givin' them paddlers a pep talk cuz they're still cryin' and now they're bitching about being tired.
(What a bunch of pussies.)

Camp Counselor dude is sliding down some rocks, ax in hand....he yells for weird kid.

Weird kid is still in the woods running around.
BIGMAC IS LURKING!!!

The pussy paddlers make it back to the main camp and Camp Counselor lady gets some shit from the drag queen voice guy who doesn't believe her story about "some killer" being "out there".

Weird kid is still running around.

Camp Counselor lady and Drag Queen are in a boat. She's yelling to go faster.
"Its a small motor, it can't go any faster." (I bet she hears that alot.)
She says the police are going by helicopter.

Weird kid is still running around.
Camp Counselor dude is still looking for him
*yawn*
BigMac grabs weird kid by the throat (where'd he put his scissors?) and carries him into a shedtype thing where he gets bound, gagged, and stabbed through the bicep with the giant scissors (oh, there they are).
Camp Counselor dude starts running towards weird kid's screams.
He finds the shedtype thing, which turns out to be an abandoned mine shaft, and sneaks around with his ax.
BigMac sends a 7Dwarfs diamond mine cart down the track towards the Camp Counselor dude who stumbles out of it's path and his head goes through a wall where he naps for about 5 mississippis. When he opens his eyes he sees a dead girl's head....Karen's, I think.
He jumps up and BigMac lights a flame thrower. (yeah!!)
Camp Counselor grabs his ax.
(I feel an epic battle comin' on....)

Flashback scene reveals that Camp Counselor dude was one of the douchebags that set the poor ugly dude, BigMac, on fire.
BigMac & his flame thrower get closer and closer....flashback and flashback....
Then the flame thrower goes out and Camp Counselor dude is peekin' around looking for him.
Camp Counselor hears the weird kid make noises and whispers out to him. (effective)
Quiet build-up....then
AAAAAH, UGLY MELTED OVERDONE BIGMAC FACE POPS UP AND THE FLAME THROWER IS BACK ON!!
Camp Counselor dude starts swingin' his ax around & BigMac dodges each swing, moving like he's a buoy. (this scene is way funnier than I'm capable of describing).

Meanwhile, back in that slow ass boat, Camp Counselor lady is playin' King of the World at the bow and yelling.

Camp Counselor dude is still swingin' and BigMac is still dodging.
Weird kid is screaming around his gag.

Slow ass boat and yelling.
Swingin', dodging, & gag screaming.
Camp Counselor dude falls down, goes boom and the flame thrower is getting closer and quick flashbacks of the previous 9 deaths start to roll.
Weird kid finally tries to get the giant scissors out of his arm.
He gets them out and gets up behind BigMac & the flame thrower and stabs BigMac in the back with the giant scissors.
BigMac drops the flame thrower & falls face down.
(Lamest monster death ever.)
Camp Counselor lady is on land now and waving down the police helicopter.*
Camp Counselor dude and weird kid hug and start to walk off.
BigMac jumps up behind weird kid and grabs him.
Camp Counselor dude yells for him to get down and puts an ax to BigMac's face.
Weird kid grabs the flame thrower and torches BigMac (this man just can not get a break).
They walk off.
BigMac is stabbed in the back with gardening shears and on fire.

Cut to the campfire & Camp Counselor dude says some crap about "some say his spirit lives on in the woods" & tries for a cheap scare, but it fails.**

Fade to black, roll credits.
--------------------------------------------
*Alternate Scene (in my head): chick is so skinny, the helicopter wind blows her up in the air and she gets chopped up by the blades. that would've ruled.

**Are you fuckin' kidding me?? How sick is this guy?? He sets a dude on fire, tells campfire stories about the event to a bunch of kids, is the reason there's a bunch of kids getting killed, puts an ax to the face of the dude he set on fire, and then goes back to telling campfire stories about what happened??
Camp Counselor dude should be rotting in jail, dropping the soap, & trading blowjobs for cigarettes..... Instead, he's leading around young impressionable youth in the woods. IS THERE NO JUSTICE!!??
Pfffft...and I thought his character was unimportant and he was gonna die. He ended up being the scariest part of the movie!

Holly Hunter & Jason Alexander didn't even die!!
Infact, after Jason Alexander jumps in for the Camp Counselor lady, we don't see him for the rest of the movie, & his character was one of the strongest.
WHAT THE HELL!!??

See? Aren't you glad you didn't have to watch it?
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