2013 Highlighting the Ups

Matthew and I were at dinner the other night talking & getting excited about what we want to do in 2014 and discussing how we thought 2013 went.
Apparently, I had my cranky pants on because I said it was an "OK" year and he said it was "pretty fuckin' awesome".
I've realized since then that unfortunately, and for some stupid reason, my noggin was choosing to highlight some of the more awkward 2013 moments instead of all the seriously amazing things that happened.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to write out the rundown of awesome (and skipping over all the not-so-awesome), not to be a douche braggart, but to further reinforce those in my head instead of those less than optimal and maybe it'll help you do the same. I've seen your facebook posts about how crappy the year was and/or how you're ready for 2013 to be over and it's ok if sometimes we need reminders to clear our perspectives.

January was again full of drunken shenanigans at the Scottish Highland Games.  I dove head first into renovating the Dollhouse of Horrors and started building out stage pieces for the Bloody Jug Band...some by request, others not so much. We also saw Charlie Murphy down at the Improv.

February was more Dollhouse of Horrors work and a trip to Helen, GA.  We also went to see Muse at Amway Center and I cried a little bit at how amazing their show was.

In March, we saw the Dropkick Murphys again, I puppeteered for the Bloody Jug Band's video for "Roadkill Boys".  This was also the month we did Whole30 for the first time and I submitted my last photo for the 12month long Inspired class I'd signed up for in January.
Yep...I totally fell out of it for the rest of the year because of shiny new things and being inspired elsewhere.  But I'm glad I went out with a bang.

April started with a trip to see The Marvelous Mehegans up in Corning, NY.  I took a banjo lesson, we finally ate at Cask & Larder and Ravenous Pig, saw Tony Bourdain at Hard Rock, and visited Disney. This is also when I started thinking about a miniatures.com contest entry.

May was, of course, insane with a Mother's Day pool party that got way more rowdy than what was intended, a concert poster design class on Skillshare, a couple of BJB shows, and was capped off by a trip to New Orleans, LA for my & Pannacakes' birthdays.

June included a Glassman show at Peacock that was pretty killer, a visit with Vaughn & Jen to pick up one of my favorite purchases of the year (Betty & Veronica pictured below), jury duty selections for George Zimmerman, and was also when I received my walking papers from the company I'd worked for over the previous 12 years.

July started off with new hair to celebrate my corporate departure, a crazy 3rd of July party at Pannacakes', followed by a rained out pool party at the Merriam's for the 4th, a Khal Drogo costume for Matthew, the 8th Annual Summer Bomb, a couple of visits to DRIP, and Marilyn Manson at Hard Rock.

August had a The Cult show at HOB, another couple of BJB shows, a trip to Busch Gardens followed by a viewing of Blackfish, a Danny Leggett show, Cedric's surprise birthday party, a drunk monologues shoot (shut up, I'll get to that later), and a trip to Ocala to see April and her fam.  Made a fake movie poster for a friend's birthday and finished up a painting for Cedric & Michelle's anniversary.

September we rocked our own logo for a Labor Day weekend pub crawl, went and saw Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes at Hard Rock and then went to see them again during the Gentlemen of the Road festival weekend where we also saw Mumford & Sons and stayed at a dumpy St. Aug beach hotel.  And we attended a lovely DIY wedding.

In October we went to see Terribly Odd's Haunted Mansion inspired show, Ghost at Amway Center where they shook my pants and hair, I made a mermaid costume, had the best weekend at Spooky Empire where I finally met Tom Savini, hugged Bill Moseley & Ve Neill, told Glenn Hetrick that I'd be his huckleberry, fingered Kane Hodder's left gloved hand during a photobomb, and sang "Goodbye Horses" to Jason Mewes. We finished off October in Austin, TX to celebrate my & Matthew's wedding anniversary and dress up like the 11th Doctor and a Reptilian Shapeshifter for Halloween, and met up with The Krutikovs for some kick ass high-end mexican food with the first best mescal drink I've ever put down my neck followed by the best burlesesque show I've ever seen.

November I made a sideshow freak light-up sign out of an old guitar case & built out two rickety crate shelves for the Jugly Art show at Peacock and then Matthew & I left to spend a week in Amsterdam for his birthday where I lost my passport.  If you ever lose your passport in another country...hope you're in Amsterdam.  They were so nice and the whole process was a lot smoother than expected. We also met some great & crazy party people and Matthew gave up a Heisenberg shirt to a loud Scotsman. We spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with Matt's family during which we had a lovely evening strolling through the botanical gardens looking at giant lit up Chihuly glass sculptures in awe.

And so here we are at the tail end of December and I've submitted my Evil Dead Cabin to the miniatures.com contest before deadline and am making a Gatsby-style dress for New Year's Eve. We had a crazy drunken Pannacakes party, and a silly family presents exchange day that included Cards Against Humanity and boxing robots. We spent Christmas in San Francisco where we saw Brian Setzer Orchestra on Christmas Eve, Matthew got his first proper straight razor shave, dim sum in Chinatown, lobster bisque & crab salad at Pier 39, and we ate some pretty awesome food at some pretty awesome hotel restaurants and had The Best gin & tonic either one of us had ever had and the second best mescal drink I've ever put down my neck.

And peppered in throughout the year we were bombarded with Harlem Shakes, BatDad Vines, Breaking Bad, Red Weddings, Doctor Who, A Fox That Says Things, Goat remixes, Miley Cyrus' tongue, Blurred Lines, Twerking, Grumpy Cat & Li'l Bub, and an Astronaut Singing Space Oddity on the freakin' Space Station.

This year, like all other's before it, has included lots of ups and downs and were it not for the downs...how would you know just how up the ups are?
Plus, you'd probably be an insufferable asshole.

Even if you're a generally positive person like me, and incredibly lucky with a shit ton of ups, there are times that the Veil of Crap can fall down over your eyes to muddy your vision.
I am SO grateful for how up my ups were this year and I appreciate having those downs when they came along....but there's No. Possible. Reason. a down should ever overshadow an up....so remember to not let them, ok?

Thank you, Matthew for reminding me of that & helping to remove my Crap Veil.
You're absolutely right....2013 was pretty fuckin' awesome.

Cheers, everyone, to 2014!!  May your ups be fuckin' killer and your downs be valuable lessons to overcome.

The Evil Dead Cabin

For the better part of the past few months, I've been workin' on this little ditty for this little contest.
You buy the shell and dress it up how ever you want.
Most of the furniture is bought except the couch.  I made that, the curtains, the reel-to-reel, and the Book of the Dead.

So, without further ado, may I proudly present to you, "Ash's Cabin: In The Off Season"....uh, in one inch scale....

Yes, I realize it's missing a porch. I'll get back to that.

I have most of what I need to build the porch but had to sacrifice a porch swing chain for the cellar door and I felt the interior was a bit more important before the deadline.
So, we'll see what happens a little later and...y'never know, maybe Ash will even show up.

Where's the Rape Culture Outrage In December?

Remember over the summer when Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" was blowin' up and there were folks yelling about how it was promoting "rape culture"?
Go ahead...google it if you don't. We'll wait.

Well, now that it's The Holidays...I'd kinda like to know where all the damn outrage is for one of the creepiest winter season songs, "Baby, It's Cold Outside".

The one Will Ferrell's fun-for-the-whole-family Elf made insanely repopular that one year.


I heard this version the other day and maybe it was Sammy's occasional silly voices and attempt to be overly accommodating and Carmen's stern "no, sir" that got me actually visualizing the scene the lyrics were setting:


Seriously, listen to those lyrics.
How many times does she say no?  And then he may or may not have slipped something in her drink?
All she's trying to do through the whole song is freakin' LEAVE!!

CREEPY CREEPER


So, now JGL and Lady Gaga are promoting rape culture, but with a female aggressor. And Kermit MC'ing.
Which is more my style anyway. :)

2008 Bitstrips

Willie sent this link to me one night back in 2008.  On it you can quickly create your own little comic strips so we went back and forth for a few days using actual conversations we'd had or silly little skits.  Now there's an app for it and I've been seeing them pop up more an more over the last week.

Here are the ones we did 5yrs ago...

Willie's Pimp Lessons:






And my nonsense:




I've just downloaded the app - Willie, have you?
I feel a bitstrips stretch comin' on. :)

The Ariel Costume

So, last Tuesday, Josh came over to finish up some stuff on his Once Upon A Time-Hook costume that ended up looking like this:

We added the red satin panels, trim, and buttons to an old vest and gave the jacket some cuffs, buttons, and collar patches.

Since we were doing this for his & Andrew's Halloween party taking place that Saturday, Josh asked me if I knew what I'd be dressing up as.  I gave him a hesitant but thoughtful sigh and said, "No clue."

Matthew and I had kicked around a handful of ideas, but a decision hadn't been made.

Since he was out of town and had everything he needed for his costume options, I quickly made a decision a little later that night after remembering this awesome mermaid scale fabric I'd seen at Joann the other day.  I did up a quick sketch and got my measurements and ordered the corset & gloves from Amazon.  The corset looked like this before:

Which was too goth for Ariel...so when it came in on Thursday, I took all the black lace off and covered the remaining black trim with this rad silver trim and relaced the back with a metallic silver ribbon.

The tail skirt was an interesting experiment.  I wasn't working off a pattern or anything and the scale fabric was stretchy and my first attempt at a hem turned out awful because I'd used the wrong stitch setting on the machine.  My side seams are where I figured shit out and it was smoother sailing.

Tulle is a bitch.  I say that lovingly because it made excellent fins and my "make-it-up-as-you-go-along" way of getting things done was totally on track, but it's not my favorite fabric to work with.  I did a loose hand-stitch along the top to gather and then bunched that shit up before I ran it through the sewing machine.

Also, it was glittery and the entire house still looks like a unicorn farted up a storm.  The girl at Joann gave me the awesome advice of spraying it down with hairspray. That helped some but my vacuum cleaner has an interesting layer of mermaid fin glitter mixed with cat litter.

To hide the stitching where the fin meets the tail, I trimmed it with a glittery green ribbon.

Can I just tell you how much I love Liquid Stitch?  That stuff is amazing.*

Ariel needed accessories so I dug around the house and found a dinglehopper (plastic fork painted with silver glitter) for my hair, a thingamabob pendant (old corkscrew painted up and on plastic pearl beads), and a snarfblatt (belt buckle pipe I wore on an arm strap).

When I finished it on Friday, everything looked like this:

When I wore it on Saturday, I looked like this:

And for the majority of the night, ran around yelling "I'M A MERMAID!!"

______________________________

* Josh, can I get an Amen?

A First Friday

As mentioned in yesterday's ramblings, I'm unemployed....was RIF'd back in July.
Here's a cute little throw back in case we wanna reminisce.

There's a funny thing about being in sales.
It's called a 'sales cycle'.
Everything is measured on a quarterly basis and due to this, for some odd reason (*cough* quotas) everyone decides to wait until the last month of every quarter (or every third month, for you yearly calendar folks) to push mega hard, and give discounts, and draw-up endless revisions of contracts & spreadsheets, and have war room concalls, and wait around for signatures in the lobbies of corporate offices, and do everything they frantically can to pull in at the very last minute whatever big elephant deal they might be working on....

And usually all of this is going on within the last 2-3 weeks of that magical beast of a third month.
As if that magical beast of a third month were somehow unexpectedly sneaking up on everyone.

And all the field reps you support are doing all the same cram-it-in things all at the same time.
And your regular 40-50hr work week turns into an 80hr work week for at least 2 weeks in a row.
Every. Third. Month.

And on the last Friday of each quarter....
It's like Christmas with none of the fun stuff.
Because we'd all be staying up late, glued to our laptops til 2 or 3 or 4a.m. babysitting those big elephant deals because they'd just come in that afternoon and they're complex in backend paperwork and everything has to match up just so for processing....
And there'd be emergency fire drill concalls with teams of management at 1a.m. and additional confirmations needed via email or someone forgot to click a checkbox in some system and everyone that's ever been associated with the big elephant deal is asking you if it's booked yet....
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"
"Is there an SO#?"

And in the past 10yrs, this is the first Friday at the End of The Quarter that I don't have to do ANY of that.

Tonight, I'm pouring one out for my corporate homies that kick so much ass.

______________________

PS. If you're reading this and you know who I'm talking about when I say "Sales Associate", hug them, send them flowers, liquor, beer, strippers, buy them a car. They take really good care of you and do their best for you and, at times, get little in return.

What I've Learned From The Summer of Karen

So I've been unemployed since July.
Most popular question I've been asked is "How's the Summer of Karen going?" followed up by "What are you doing with all of your time?"
Answers range from "Great" to "Anything I fuckin' want!!"
I think most recently, when Clint asked how it was going, my response was a giant all-teeth grin with a thumbs up.

Here are the top 10 things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. It's so easy to forget what day it is. You know how they have those day of the week floor mats in the elevators on cruise ships that change from day to day like the day of the week underpants? We need those. Or underpants. Thanks, Willie, for usually hitting me up on Hoops Day to remind me of where we are in the week.

2. I thought I'd be able to keep up with the cleaning more. It works when Matthew's on work trips. Not so much when he's home. But the fact remains; it's still my least favorite thing to do.

3. Resume writing and going through career services is an 8hr gig in and of itself.  And it usually makes me cranky. Selling myself & talking me up is weird. But I've learned that I'm professionally & soberly introverted but socially & drunkenly extroverted. Maybe I just need to write my resume while intoxicated with friends. It would be easier that way and would give me a good starting point to go back and clean up while sober.

4. Schedules and deadlines.  One of the first things I did was give myself a chore chart (I think that's ultimately my mother's fault. We knew it was summer when the mega weekly chore charts came out). I stick to it most weeks. I need to do up a schedule and deadlines for my Creative Department & Career Services areas. Not so good at those aspects. Plus, video games sneak in there unscheduled. Then there's the random pop-ups playing taxi, lunch dates, webinars, happy hours, etc that I just can't help. Those random pop-ups have always made sticking to a schedule difficult for me.
If I could turn what I want to accomplish in a day/week/month/year into an infographic....I bet that would help me focus on schedules and deadlines. I like charts and graphs.
I feel an experiment coming on.

5. Sleeping in is impossible. I feel obligated to wake up with Matthew and help with breakfast & coffee. Plus, the lawn maintenance dudes get going early every Thursday, and the trash guys every Tuesday and Friday, and Snoop's usually paw-patting my face or lickin' my nose because he's hungry. I can count on one hand how many late nights during the week I've had, so it really doesn't matter about sleeping in. That's what afternoon naps are for and those are heavenly.

6. If you have a Summer list of outside things to do - put that shit off 'til the weather gets cooler. I'd intended to clean up porches & decks and all kinds of outside projects, but between the heat and the flooding rains....fuck that noise.

7. Everyone thinks you're doing nothing with your time, so when they ask, ramble off all the things you are doing in one big long run-on sentence that makes them feel tired by the time you've hit the end of the list and are taking a breath.

8. There is almost nothing to bitch about anymore.  I think the only things I complain about are how many times in a week I have to vacuum or clean out the cats' shit box.  So, I go to Facebook just to see what you guys are bitching about. And to make sure I'm not missing any important Miley Cyrus***/gun control/national debt news.

9. My dream job would be to be paid to travel around the world and document adventures between my favorite video game releases while watching youtube videos or creating them based on whatever random thing I'm building at the moment. And they'd reimburse my banjo lesson...no banjo CAMP tuition.  But now, thanks to Obama-care.....

10. The other night, I had a dream that I was in some big ol' Hogwarts lookin' school and was walking down a library corridor. It was dark with the smell* of musty books and we (there are always other people with me) were looking for ghosts. Suddenly, appearing in front of me was a porcelain doll faced girl, with her hair up & spiked out, all geisha-esque.....but she had the body of some fucked up caterpillar.** I reached out a hand toward her and was all "she ain't real..." and then that bitch bit the side of my hand with jagged little scary teeth. I jerked my hand away real quick....
Meanwhile, in real-life, while sleeping in our comfy bed, when I jerked my hand away from the caterpillar geisha ghost in my dream, I ended up accidentally swattin' Matthew in the balls.
This isn't really something I've learned....I just like giving treats to you at the end.
_____________________________
*I'm lyin' here. I can't smell things in dreams.
**From playing so much Saints Row 4 near the rifts, I'm positive.
***Have we established yet that she's only got the one photo pose??

That One Time We Went To Gentlemen of The Road

We got to the venue and it looked like this:

And we looked like this:

And at night, that 1st thing looked like this:

 (there was also a head that appeared to be coming up out of the ground. I have no drunken pictures of that, though)

And I looked like this when I whizzed after the shuttle bus back to our hotel area:

And this guy was hell bent on shooting pool with Pannacakes:

(crazy ass mofo) 

And this is what my shadow looked like on Crabby Bill The Bartender's shirt:

And this is what I looked like drinkin' a Heineken:

And this is what Crabby Bill looks like when he's not being crabby:

And this is what Crystal looks like when she wakes us up in the morning:

And this is what Pannacakes looks like poolside with a Miller Lite:

And this is what me & Crystal look like when we're poolside with Miller Lites:

And this is what we look like in the pool drinkin' pina coladas under Crystal's umbrella:

And this is what Crystal looks like when she's a badass with mermaid hair:

(which is all the freakin' time)

And this guy wore Pannacakes' bra on his head:

And then we went back to the venue and ran into these guys:

(Pannacakes would later end up at the bar marrying the dude with the awesome staff and shirt)

And this is what I looked like while Mumford was playing:

And this is what Mumford looked like when they were playing:

And after that weekend....we all had to take a break.